Monday, August 5, 2013

Another Year Gone By...

With today being my birthday, I thought that I would take the time to reflect on this past year as so much has happened.

By far the most amazing thing to happen this year was the birth of my son, Giovanni.


Being a mom has changed my life more than I could ever have imagined. I never knew that it was possible to love someone as much as I love this little guy. The type of love that I feel for him is different than anything else I have ever felt in my life. The only way that I can describe it is as this overwhelming, heart-exploding, obsessive type of love. Everything I do, even the smallest things, is for him and his future.

 (us at the horse races)

As most of you know, Giovanni was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy a few months ago. This diagnosis has completely turned my life upside down. After struggling for years with infertility, multiple miscarriages and complications, and then being plagued with a very complicated pregnancy and birth, I guess I just kind of figured that the easy life was coming. I mean, how much worse could things get?

Although I have a lot of unexplored feelings about his diagnosis (anger, fear, resentment), I also have a lot of hope too. All of the stuff I went through to have him has prepared me for this as I have become one strong mama. If anyone can handle this, I sure as hell can. Because of all the grief, pain, and heartache that I had to fight through, I am now prepared to take on anything. I was given Giovanni for a reason. This is how it was meant to be.

(my little beach bum)

(he LOVES to swing)

One important thing that I have learned this year is to let go...for the most part. All my life I have always been tightly wound, having the need to have complete control over everything in my life, including my immediate environment. This, in turn, has made me quite high-strung, high-maintenance, and very stressed. Giovanni has taught me that it is okay to let go of some of that as life is too short not to have some fun.


The other thing that I have realized, and this is a relatively new concept for me, is that we must live life in the moment. Just the other night as I was putting Giovanni to bed, I noticed that he was quite clingy. Every time that I tried to lay him down, he grabbed on to me and put his head on my shoulder. I stood there, holding him, singing softly in his ear. I started thinking about all of the things that I needed to get done so I needed to get him to bed. As I went to go put him down for the third time, he lifted up his head and gazed into my eyes. It almost seemed that time had stopped and I was seeing him years down the road as he wasn't a baby anymore. I quickly shook my head in disbelief and I was holding my baby again. It was right then and there that I realized how fast life is going by and that I would never get back the time that I have with him now. Once the moment is over, it is gone forever. The decision to stay with Giovanni and hold him as long as he needed me to was an easy one. One of these days he will be grown and have a family of his own, and I will be thankful that I stayed and held him until he fell asleep that night.

2 comments:

  1. Oh what a beautiful post. We all need the reminder to cherish our babies :)

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  2. Awe...this brought tears to my eyes! Yes- enjoy every hug and snuggle. I need to remember to slow down sometimes and just enjoy the moment. An obsessive type of love describes it perfectly! Happy Birthday!

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