Sunday, June 23, 2013

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post, and to those of you who sent me private messages as well. If you are just "tuning in" you can click here to be brought up to speed.

Since being given the news of his diagnosis, I have been flip-flopping back in forth with being angry, sad, and hopeful. I am dealing with the sadness as best I can. The anger is a different story. I think the problem is that I don't know who, or what, to be angry at. I am angry that more shit has been thrown at me. With everything that I have had to endure over the past 4 years, isn't that enough? Don't I get a break?

I am also confused about who to be angry at. The neurologist told me that the brain injury either occurred in utero or at birth. If it occurred in utero, is this my fault? Did I force my body to go against its abilities and create a child? Were all those assholes who told me that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother, (referencing my infertility) right? Did I fail Giovanni? Typing those words make me want to scream and throw up at the same time!

I also keep playing his birth over and over in my mind. I wanted a c-section right from the beginning. My immunologist sent a letter to my MFM suggesting that I have a c-section. They insisted on trying a vaginal birth so I just went with the flow. Is this my fault for not advocating for my unborn child and demanding a c-section. All I can remember is looking over my oxygen mask and seeing the look on the MFM's and Resident's facees. I remember the MFM yelling at me that I couldn't stop pushing as we had to get him out now. I will NEVER forget the look of panic on their faces. I will never forget hearing the words "we don't have time" in reference to moving me to the OR for an emergency c-section. I will never forget the feeling as the NICU nurses whisked Giovanni away from me. All I could do was scream the words "is he okay" over and over again, while no one answered my screams. The few minutes that he was away from me felt like an eternity. I thought that I lost my baby boy.

Is this my fault? Could I have or should I have done something different, something more? I will never forgive myself.

6 comments:

  1. Oh god I'm just so sorry!!! I know it's hard but this is not your fault at all. I think it's just a shitty hand you were dealt - nothing you did caused it! Hugs!!

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  2. No, it is not your fault. As someone who struggles with guilt and anger over the birth and diagnoses of my children, I can relate to your feelings on this. You didn't do anything wrong. You couldn't possibly know that something like this would happen, so you couldn't know to do something differently--and even if you could, there was nothing to DO differently. Even if you had any control in the matter (which you didn't), that doesn't mean that doing something different would have had a different outcome anyway. Does that make sense?

    It sucks. It is horrible. It is unfair. (In my case, it pisses me off something fierce that my kids have to struggle.) But in the end, sometimes it just is what it is. Don't punish yourself for something out of your control because there is no one else to punish.

    I hope you can be kind to yourself. This diagnosis is NOT your fault.

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  3. Catching up on things.... This is in NO way your fault. You did not fail Giovanni. You are his mother and his #1 protector and advocate! You've got his back in this like no one else and have since before day 1. You will be awesome and do great for him as his advocate with this diagnosis. I totally agree with Stacie.....there was nothing to do differently, and there was no different outcome. It just is what it is. This is not part of G because of any problem, mistake, or fault. I'm sure you are probably scared and nervous about what is still to come, but you can't blame and guilt yourself AT ALL. Looking forward to seeing you move forward on a mission for little G! And truly.....the kid could not be ANY cuter :))) xoxo

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  4. Don't judge yourself... My Bobby was diagnosed with autism and needed Early Intervention and now, since he's older, Intermediate Unit support. He cant go to preschool without a one on one aide. He's the sunshine of my life, but those questions you have? I think about them every day. I've been told that the neurological issues occurred in utero (was it my fault...). We can only focus on now and be the best parents and advocates we can be. Big hugs...

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  5. I feel your hurt and anger coming through in this post. I wish there was some way to make it easier.

    It is not your fault. You are the best mother G could have and you love him. That is what matters. Children, and all humans are incredibly resilient and you will come through this. With a little help when you need it.

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  6. Krystyn, I am just catching up and I am so incredibly sorry to hear all you and Giovanni have been through. Know that you're always in my prayers. You are right...Giovanni IS perfect. He's so beautiful.
    Please don't blame yourself for anything. You are an amazing mother...from the moment he was inside your belly. I will be thinking about you so much. Xoxoxox

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