We can breastfeed!! The other afternoon I was sitting in bed when Giovanni became fussy as it was time to eat. We forgot to take a bottle out of the fridge so my husband went downstairs to warm one up. Apparently he didn't move fast enough as Giovanni's fussiness turned into a total meltdown. I don't know what made me do it but I scooped him up and put him to the breast. He instantly latched on and all I could do was cry tears of joy. After 12 weeks and 2 days of bottle feeding, mouth surgery, nipple shields, and latching issues, he was finally doing it and like a champ. He ate for a total of 30 minutes and fell asleep shortly after. I breastfed him for the rest of that day and night. Since he is so used to the bottle and the milk coming out faster, he apparently started to chew on me to try and get the milk faster and needless to say my nipples are as red as a firetruck and one has starting bleeding. I also somehow ended up with a blocked milk duct which is also quite painful. I am continuing to pump every few hours as I always do but once I heal a bit I am going to start putting him to the breast first thing in the morning and then again before he goes to bed for the night (yes, he is sleeping through the night already!). I am so happy to say that I am finally able to breastfeed my child!! I couldn't be happier as it is the most amazing feeling ever!
First of all I want to preface this post with a warning. I had surgery (yes, I know) on my foot Wednesday and I am a bit emotional from the pain and my unwillingness to take the pain meds that they gave me. So consider yourself warned...
For those of you who know me in real life, you know that I live for the Holidays. My most favorite time of the year is from Thanksgiving to New Years. The last three Holiday seasons have been awful. In 2009 we were dealing with our first loss; 2010 we were doing our 1st IVF which resulted in a heterotopic pregnancy; and in 2011 we were dealing with what we thought was a loss of pregnancy (from IVF #5) due to messed up Betas but it turned out to be from a poorly developing twin which we lost later in January. This is the first year in a long time that I can honestly say that I am happy and excited about the upcoming Holiday season. With Giovanni in my life I want to restart traditions that I once had and show him what family is all about. One problem...family isn't what it used to be. I understand that as time goes on things change, but I am finally coming to the realization how much it has changed. As dysfunctional as my family was, I can't help but miss the times when all of us were together. All of the aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. Despite the dysfunction, somehow, we were all able to come together for the Holidays and put the craziness aside. I am not the only one dealing with this as my husband is feeling this as well but it seems to be hitting him much harder. His family has gone through many changes through the years and now with everyone grown up with their own families, he is struggling with the lack of togetherness that he once felt.
The question of the hour becomes "How do we change this?" I don't know if there is an easy answer. The reason that it is bothering my husband and I so much is because of Giovanni. We want him to grow up knowing what family is and have him surrounded by those who love him. I know that it isn't critical at this point because he is so little yet, but as he gets older that will change. How do you reconnect as family when everyone is so busy with their own lives? If anyone can answer this, please let me know.
The other issue that my husband and I are facing is what to do if something was to happen to us. Since I really don't have family (no brothers or sisters) we are going to meet with a lawyer and put together a will so everything will be in writing. We have an idea what we want to do but approaching who we chose to be Giovanni's guardians if anything was ever to happen isn't the easiest thing to do. What if they decline? Then what? It just isn't an easy topic. First of all it isn't something that I even want to think about because I obviously want to be around to parent my child but it is also difficult to ask someone to take on this huge responsibility if something does happen. I know one way or another it will work out but getting there is no walk in the park!
I just wanted to thank everyone for the encouraging comments and supportive emails over the past week. Ultimately I decided to start on Zoloft (which I did last week) as I really needed something to help get me over this hump. I am thinking that I am also going to seek out a counselor (which will be strange for me) that specializes in either PTSD or infertility/pregnancy loss. I also don't think that the lack of sleep is helping at all either. Giovanni is sleeping 6-8 hours straight each night, but because I pump, I have to get up several times to do so. But that is another story...
I also took the time this week to stop by and visit all of the people that made this little miracle possible.
I am forever grateful to these people and consider them to be family now. They made my dream of motherhood come true. Love to them all!!