Sunday, October 28, 2012

Coming To Terms With the Past

I haven't written on here much lately as I have been trying to avoid what I am feeling. I am not sure if I should be feeling what I am feeling. Is it completely normal? Is there something wrong with me? You would think as a psychologist that I should be able to navigate my way through my own feelings and emotions, but these feelings are something that I don't know what to do with.

I know that I am not dealing with PPD as I am able to function and participate in life. There are just times, pretty much like flashbacks, where I feel very detached from reality. I am not sure how to explain what is going on with me. I often find myself staring at Giovanni where I just burst out in tears. All I can think about is how I almost lost him. I am frozen with fear that something is going to happen to him now.

Last weekend I was driving home from a day of shopping with him, happy as can be. I had the radio on and was singing to him, thinking about how I enjoyed my alone time with him. I came to stop at a red light. The light turned green but an ambulance was coming, lights and sirens, so I had to wait. Next thing I know I realize the cars behind me are blowing their horns. Tears are pouring down my face. I proceeded through the intersection and pulled over. I frantically tried to remember what happened. I soon started remembering the noise of the sirens, the reflection of the red lights in the dark, the hotness of the Magnesium, the nausea, the dry mouth, the overwhelming fear that I was once again losing the miracle that was inside me. I had completely flashed back to the night I went into preterm labor. It was like it was happening all over again. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw Giovanni sleeping in his car seat. He was there with me and everything was okay. What the hell is wrong with me?

These type of things have been happening quite a bit. I am having a really hard time understanding why as everything turned out okay and he is with me. I realize that I had a nightmare of a time conceiving that was plagued by loss after loss; a nightmare of a pregnancy; a nightmare of a birth; and multiple complications post-birth. But why now? Why am I having such a hard time coping with the PAST? That is exactly what it is, the past. I am starting to realize that I really haven't, from a psychological perspective, dealt with everything that has happened. I always just figured that once I had a baby that all the stuff from the past would somehow just go away. That is not the case.

As much as I have the "I can fix myself" attitude, I think it is time for me to realize that I need help with this. All of this isn't going to go away on its own. I obviously have many feelings and emotions that need to be dealt with. 

6 comments:

  1. That sounds (to me, anyway) a lot like PTSD. That happens a lot with people who have PTSD, where they "zone out" and can't remember blocks of time because some sight and/or sound takes them back to a traumatic time in their lives. Be patient with yourself and know that there is nothing "wrong" with you. You're a great mama and wife. It is very difficult living with what you have been through. Things will get better. I know they will. I've been through the preterm labor but they couldn't stop mine. I had my son at 32 weeks and it took me a very long time to let go of that and just enjoy my son and know that everything is okay. You will get to that place where your subconscious will let go of all the trauma and you can live free of PTSD. But you do have to talk it out. Never hold it in. That's the only way to heal.

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  2. I think it sounds a little like PTSD too. I had a very minor issue with this after our pre term induction and emergency C - but the only time I had a flashaback like that was when I went back to L+D to rent a pump.

    It took me about 3 months to get out of the 'baby blues' funk. It's hormones - and it sucks. Maybe talk to your OB or Giovanni's ped. Both can help. Or just keep talking about your feelings with your hubby and on your blog - talking it out helps.

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  3. I had post-partum anxiety, the lesser known sister of depression. It can be difficult for months. Don't forget you are coming off of all of the hormones associated with conceiving the baby and the pregnancy itself.

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  4. On board here with the PTSD contributors. Sounds pretty classic. My husband served 2 tours in Iraq as a lead Scout Commander for convoys... He was an IED specialist... and he suffers from PTSD... one of the "main" symptoms is hearing, seeing or even smelling something that reminds him of his time there, and he will, in effect "zone out" and lose blocks of time. Scary.

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  5. big hugs, krystyn. it sounds like you're on the right track to dealing with the emotions that sometimes creep in from the past. you've definitely fought your way to your beautiful son...i've always admired your perseverance through it all. sending love your way. <3
    xoxo
    maria

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  6. i had post partum depression/anxiety, and my (favorite) therapist told me over and over that PPD resembles PTSD in so many ways -- especially for someone that battled infertility/difficult pregnancy/traumatic labor... or all of those. She said the small things add up to be one traumatic event. I hope you find the right person to help you through this. You WILL get through it.

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