Thursday, June 28, 2012

It's Different for an "Infertile"

It has been a long time since I have written one of my well thought out, emotionally vulnerable posts. Since there is something that has been bothering me for a while, I thought now was a good time to get it all out. This post is not meant to offend anyone but it is just thoughts and feelings that I need to get out.

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I have become more sensitive about my pregnancy. I have always felt a bit isolated from my pregnant friends given everything it took to get pregnant and now everything it is taking to stay pregnant. To a certain extent, I have always felt a bit awkward talking to "normal" women about pregnancy as I have always felt disconnected from them. I obviously know why but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized the extent of these feelings. Normally, a woman and a man come together and have a random night of passion and randomly become pregnant or a woman and a man plan to have a baby and go through the wonderful process of temping and charting and generally within a year they get pregnant. There are also couples who struggle a bit and either get pregnant with their first IVF or even after using Clomid to induce ovulation. Then there are those who have been to hell and back. Multiple failed cycles, losses, complications, testing with no answers, just sheer heartache and horror. By no means is one person's pain more significant than another, but there is a threshold that you hit at some point in the journey where everything changes. Not only do you have to do IVF after IVF, you also have to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of being betrayed by your body. You get pregnant time and time again only to have your body fail you and rip that joy away from you. At some point you begin to hate your body. You realize that you cannot trust your body. This is the point I am at with this pregnancy. My body has failed me so many times that I am terrified of it doing it again. I know that I have made it this far, but since I am getting so close to the finish line, I can't help but be terrified about something happening. As much as I want Giovanni to stay inside and cook until he is ready, there is a part of me that wants him to come as soon as he is safe so that my body doesn't have time to betray me. I am not scared, I am terrified. My non-pregnant friends don't and can't understand this. Most women want to stay pregnant for as long as possible because they believe that the safest place for their baby is in their belly. Infertiles like me, while we don't want our babies born premature, we want the babies out in the world where medicine can keep them safe and alive as we have no proof that our bodies can accomplish this. Quite the contrary.

This is where I am at emotionally. Every little pain, cramp, and twinge sends me into a frenzy. I lay still more often than not as I want to be sure that he is moving. I have even resorted to the doppler a few times as I was just so panic stricken that the only thing that would make me feel better is the sweet sound of his heart beating away. I am by no means trying to offend anyone with this post, this is just what I am feeling at the moment. It is hard talking to those I used to be so close to as not many people can understand what I have been through and how it is impacting me now. I will never be the one who got pregnant with their first IVF. I will never be the one that doesn't know the pain of multiple losses. I will never be the one who just sails through pregnancy without any problems. I am the one who knows the pain, the heartache, and the uncertainty that pregnancy brings. I am the one who knows that bad things happen all the time. I am the one who knows that your body can deceive you. I just pray that I will be the one who knows the joy and the happiness of holding my baby in my arms, alive and healthy.  

7 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. So much so that I could have written this post. I have lost so many friends through this journey, it changed me-How could it not. I will tell you that I crossed over to the other side FINALLY 10 months ago when my beautiful son was born. While we are being honest here I will say that we have been trying for a second and already had two frozen failures.

    No truly it never goes away, but you will have the deep love for your child. I mean deep in your soul as you fought so hard to get there. He will rock your world. Its a love like no other. Thank you for this post it moved me.

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  2. It IS different. Painful and hard. Hang in there. (((((hugs)))))

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  3. I get it. I remember when my best friend got pregnant she had this joy and fearlessness about her. Oh course she would have a baby in 9 months...why wouldn't she? But here I am early in a pregnancy and every feeling or sometimes lack of feeling makes my stomach twist with anxiety. I didn't even make it to 6 weeks last time and I'm scared that this time won't either. Then I have the other 34 weeks to worry about it. I hope it gets better with time but I know I will never be able to just be calm about it.

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  4. This post really resonated with me as well and our situations are quite different. Yes, I'm infertile, but I'm one of thpse people who got pregnant on my 1st IVF. But I have had extreme loss with a stillborn at 29weeks and know the fear of your body failing you at any moment and the fear of the bottom falling out at any momeent. I pray for peace for you over these next few weeks of your pregnancy. I can remember being so scared the entire pregnancy that something catastrophic was going to happen again. Around 38 weeks with my 2nd pregnancy I begged the Drs to do a c-section because I just needed him out and in my arms. I remember that feeling of "he would be safer out here then inside me". I developed HELLP syndrome and was so they did do the c-section within days of finding out, but in those moments while they prepped me in the OR I was still fearful and had a complete panic attack. The relief of having him "here" was so overwhelming and I'm sure you get that same feeling when your little boy finally makes his grand entrance! Keep the faith!!

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  5. You really hit the nail on the head! Not only are we robbed of precious time and really part of our lives while struggling with IF, if we do eventually get what we so desperately strived for, we can't even enjoy it normally. Big hugs to you, hang in there the finish line is in sight!

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  6. I couldn't have said it better myself! I am constantly worrying that my body will fail me again. I can't wait to have this baby safe in my arms.

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  7. I am in total agreement with you! I'm also only 31 weeks and its such a weird feeling to just want her out so I know she will be safe. No one understands why I feel that way. Plus, I get myself worked up that something will go wrong, so much that last night I ended up in L&D for my weird feelings. (BP skyrocketed because of my nerves). You are not alone. Let's keep praying for our little ones and have faith they will be born healthy. Praying for you and Giovanni!

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