Sunday, May 20, 2012

Total Meltdown. Is it the Hormones?

I don't know if it's the hormones, the heat, my anxiety, or the combination of all three. Over the past couple of days I have not been myself at all. I am worrying about everything, even things that I don't need to worry about. It started yesterday when I was giving myself my noontime injection of Lovenox. Since I give it in my belly, I squeeze my fat roll and go for it. Since my fat roll is slowly disappearing and becoming a hard baby bump, doing this is becoming quite difficult. Yesterday my stomach was hard from a combination of contractions and bloat so I really didn't have anything to pinch. I really didn't feel like fighting with my belly so I just stuck the needle in and started to inject. The second that I started to inject the medication, the baby freaked out. I immediately had a major panic attack, convincing myself that I just hit the baby with the needle. I cried uncontrollably for about 20 minutes with every thought going through my mind from "I am not going to be a good mother" to "what if I just hurt my baby." Once I calmed down I realized how stupid that worry was as it is impossible for me to "inject" the baby. Not only would I have to go through 7 layers of skin, I would also have to get through the layers of fat and muscle...and the needle isn't even that long.

Meltdown #2
My next little freak out occurred when I suddenly realized that this baby could technically come any day now. With the funneling and my cervix being as short as it is, I could go into labor any minute. I haven't had my shower, I don't have a car seat, I have nothing for the baby to sleep in, my breastpump hasn't been ordered yet...I am not prepared at all. Oh, and then what would happen if the baby did come out in the next couple of weeks? I would have to go back to work but then how would I take time off after the baby comes home? Actually, all most of these fears are rational, but there is nothing I can do about them. I can't control when my body decides to go into labor; I can't predict the NICU stay and how I will handle work; and it also doesn't matter if I have a car seat or a place for the baby to sleep right now because if the baby was to come now, the baby would be in the NICU for quite a while and I wouldn't need that stuff right away.

Meltdown #3
My shower. I am very excited about finally being able to celebrate this baby. I have been waiting for the day that I get to celebrate with friends and family this little miracle that I have in my belly. Not even 8 months ago I thought that I was never going to be a mom. Now here I am with this big ole belly, happy as can be. While I am not hosting my own shower (obviously) I am staying in touch with my mother to see who has and who hasn't RSVPd. I am a very organized person and everything needs to follow a schedule. My mom needs a final count as the favors need to be ordered by Tuesday and the seating arrangements need to be decided on so the venue can order the linens. The RSVP date is today, and my mom still has not heard from 25 people. Maybe I am "old school" but when someone sends me an invitation with an specific date to RSVP by, I always respond whether I am able to attend or not. I know that I shouldn't let this particular issue bother me but 1). I feel bad for my mom who is trying to keep everything in order and 2). I think it is just plain rude! The same thing happened at my wedding and thank God I had two wedding coordinators to deal with it, otherwise it would have made the day a nightmare for me. 

Meltdown #4
My boobs are leaking. They are not just leaking, they are squirting. They have leaked a tiny bit here and there over the past couple of weeks, but nothing like they did today. Instead of realizing that this is bound to happen sooner or later, I instead immediately started to panic thinking that I will go into labor within the next couple of days. My husband even knew better as he came running upstairs to calm me down and told me to call the doctor if I was that worried. Thinking how stupid that call would be, I immediately realized that I was being irrational yet again. For now I stuffed my bra with tissues but we are venturing out (in the wheelchair of course) later to get some breastpads.

I am really hoping that all this anxiety, fear, and worry passes and this isn't how I am going to be for the rest of this pregnancy. It is almost like my emotions are possessed and I cannot control them. I keep telling myself that it is just the hormones and to just ride it out, but I am really hoping that this passes sooner rather than long as the baby stays put.


  1. You are in a very difficult situation, and the stress combined with hormones- oooooh baby!

    My first time on bedrest, I was a MONSTER. I was alternately crying, laughing, freaking out and raging about the most inconsequential things. Pregnancy is hard enough without complications- the way you are feeling right now is completely "normal" and natural!

    Hang in there- you're doing just fine so far!!

  2. seriously, you have every right to freak out right now. It sounds like you like having a plan, and being able to do things accordingly - I'm totally the same way! And right now you're in a situation where you really can't plan, there is so much that is beyond your control, AND it's like really really really important stuff too, like how long your baby will stay inside and when s/he will be born!!! And yes, hormones play a big part in it, too. But even apart from that I think you're totally justified in freaking out.

    The milk thing - a friend of mine slept on towels for like the whole second half of her pregnancy because she had so much milk (and she delivered at 37 weeks, I think). It happens sometimes.

    Work will work itself out. Deep breaths, and one day at a time. Big hugs to you!

  3. Pregnancy hormones can be nuts! Now that I've given birth, I LOVE feeling like myself again! Of course, there are the stupid baby blues I have to deal with. Thankfully, tonight they aren't bad at all.

    Prayers continue for you and your baby!