Monday, May 7, 2012
I'm A Believer!
I have talked on here before about my struggles with faith since fighting infertility. I wanted to find faith again, but found it impossible, especially when I thought of all my husband and I endured over the past three years. When things started going downhill with this pregnancy a few weeks ago, I did something that I haven't done in a really long time. I reached out to family and friends and asked them to keep us in their prayers. I don't know exactly what made me do this but I needed to put my worries and fears on something other than myself. Particularly after I went into preterm labor last Sunday, I knew that I was not strong enough to deal with this all on my own. Over the past few weeks, especially this last week, I have received an overwhelming number of comments and emails from people letting me know that they were thinking of me and my family and praying for us. In some strange way I found this to be very comforting. Over these past few days I kept thinking about all of the stressful things that had taken place since I had been in the hospital, particularly the talk we had with the Neonatologist on Monday. I can tell you that if you haven't been through the talk, especially when you are this early in the pregnancy, there is no way you can understand the sadness, fear, and anger you feel when you have to hear this stuff. Monday afternoon I was listening to a doctor tell me all of the awful, painful things they would have to do to my baby if we were to deliver in the next week or two. Instead of picking out things for the nursery, I was signing resuscitation orders for my baby. I had to sit there and hear every awful detail of what would need to be done to our Little Cannoli if my body continued to fail me. As I was sitting there listening to the words coming out of her mouth, I couldn't help but think about how unfair this was. Haven't we been through enough? As she handed my husband and I the resuscitation orders to sign, I just lost it. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never planned for this and I was not ready to handle it. After the Neonatologist left the room, my husband and I just sat in silence as we were too numb to say anything. On Saturday, I was sitting in my hospital bed thinking about all of this when it hit me. I had all these people praying for me. The thought of this suddenly gave me the strength I needed to say to myself, "the hell with this. This baby isn't coming out anytime soon." I kept telling myself over and over again that I wasn't going to let my body win this time. It is my body and I am in control of it. All weekend I kept repeating this to myself knowing that my ultrasound was coming up on Monday morning. My whole attitude changed. I stopped crying, I stopped being scared, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. This morning, I do have to admit, I was a little anxious knowing that this ultrasound was going to tell us if birth was right around the corner, or if things had stabilized. My MFM walked in shortly after 9 this morning and told me that we are going into this with positive thoughts and that we could only hope that things had stabilized. Shortly after that the nurse wheeled me down to ultrasound where my MFM and two Residents (who have been working with me all week) were waiting for me. First they did an abdominal ultrasound to get a good look at the baby. The baby looked great. Heart rate was 152 and it was moving all over the place. Now it was time for the transvaginal ultrasound as this is really the only accurate way to measure the cervix and to assess funneling. All three of the doctors, including the tech, just stood there staring at the screen, not saying anything. My heart immediately sunk as something had to be wrong. They then started taking measurements...2.2, 1.8, 2.1. What? Then the Resident said "wow, the funneling even improved." Since they need to take the smallest measurement of the cervix, it was documented as being 1.8cm, up .8cm from a week ago. I couldn't believe it. Things not only stabilized, they had improved! After much discussion it was decided that they would be willing to send me home on pretty strict bed rest. I am allowed to do the stairs only one time per day, I can't be tooling around in my wheelchair at the grocery store, and I could get up to use the bathroom or to get myself something "quick" to eat. I go back to my MFM office on Thursday at which time they will reassess my cervix. If my cervix shortens again I was told that I will have a permanent room at the hospital where I will remain until I deliver or get into a "safe" zone...like 32 weeks. Things are still a bit touch and go but I couldn't be more pleased with the way things turned out today. I am home right now sitting in my chair with my feet up. My husband has been truly amazing and honesty deserves the husband of the year award. It is going to be a tough couple of months but I know that we will get through this. Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for us. It truly means the world to me. Love you all!