Saturday, January 14, 2012

Saying Goodbye


This morning my husband and I went in for our follow-up ultrasound to check on the status of Baby B. I didn't give up but I knew what was coming. When the nurse started the ultrasound she started by focusing on Baby A. Baby A was measuring exactly to the day, 7 weeks 4 days, and had a perfect heart rate of 132bpm. The sound of the swooshing noises of the heart was like music to my ears. The nurse showed us the baby's spine which was very visible and we were also able to see the placenta starting to form. This little peanut had a bit of a growth spurt over the past two days as s/he was measuring 3-5 days behind as of Thursday, but now is right on track. I am very thankful for this.

The nurse then panned over to Baby B and immediately I could tell things were not good. Baby B looked very small compared to Baby A. She asked me to hold my breath so she could focus in on the heart. There was Baby B, still and with no heartbeat. I started to cry as I felt so emotionally confused. I was so sad that Baby B was gone, but so grateful for what I still had. It was an awkward combination of feelings and I wasn't sure how to handle it. The nurse than showed me Baby B's yolk sac and pointed out how it was rather enlarged which is usually indicative of a chromosomal abnormality. That information doesn't make the loss any less painful, but it helps to put it into perspective as I would never want to bring a child into this world that would suffer.

I have been going back and forth with this all day, trying to sort out my feelings. I almost feel guilty for being happy about Baby A (who I am now referring to as "the baby") because I feel like I need to be sad (and I am) about Baby B. It is strange to feel sadness and happiness at the same time. Seeing the heartbeat is what is making this so hard. Many times, especially in women undergoing fertility treatments, a second or third sac is seen but never develops into a baby. That in itself is sad, but when you see the heartbeat, you realize that there is an actual baby that is starting to form and I think that it makes it that much harder. If I was like every other women who could just get pregnant the "natural" way, I would have gone in for my first OB appointment in a few weeks and I would never have known if the baby ever had a heartbeat or not. My husband and I discussed this at length and we have decided to be thankful for what we have and to focus our energy on that. All I ever wanted was a baby, and that is exactly what I have.

9 comments:

  1. A very bittersweet day for you. I am sorry you lost one of the babies and happy the other little one is doing well.

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  2. I have been following your blog for several months as I also am doing IVF, I totally understand what you mean and can understand about being sad about Baby B...
    I hope that the next nine months are healthy!

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  3. I am so sorry...but I am glad to hear that the other baby is doing well. I can't imagine the mixture of emotions. Take care!

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  4. I'm so sorry. I am happy for Baby A and hope he/she continues to thrive.

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  5. How bittersweet, can't imagine the mixed emotion you must have. Also really glad one baby is doing well and grows as expected.

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  6. I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel. It's good to know that at least Baby A is doing well.

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  7. I am so so sorry, Krystyn. I agree with you so much - that seeing the heartbeat makes it even tough. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
    I'm so happy that your baby is healthy and will be checking back!
    Lots of love
    Xo
    Maria

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss of Baby B. Though I haven't been through what you've been through and are going through, I remember feeling the mix of emotions when I lost my second and third babies to supposed chromosomal abnormalities. While I suffered their loss, I had my baby boy at home. I even got the "suck it up, at least you HAVE a baby at home." The losses still hurt. And it's ok to grieve them. Grieving them doesn't mean mommy doesn't love the other baby less. It doesn't take away the happiness and love we have for our living babies, whether in the womb or out. The third loss was a blighted ovum and I hate hearing people say that it wasn't a "real baby." Then what was it, a plastic baby doll?!

    I guess I'm getting on my soapbox here, so forgive me. I know what I went through is not the same as your journey, so I'm not trying to put you in my own box. God bless your journey, dear lady.

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