Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Officially 8 Weeks Today

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to relax and enjoy pregnancy. Every single day I worry about what is happening inside of me. Is the baby normal? Is the heart still beating? Am I bleeding? After five consecutive losses and now the loss of Baby B, I can't help but to fear the worst...it is all that I know. In the two pregnancies that progressed past the heartbeat, I allowed myself to get excited about things finally going well. As soon as I got excited and hopeful, we would find out that the heart stopped at the very next ultrasound. So now I can't allow myself to get excited as I fear things will end if I do. I realize that this is a ridiculous theory but I am too scared to go against it. I am so anal that I have to wear the same socks and my grandmother's necklace to every ultrasound as I fear that if I don't, the baby will be gone. As crazy as that sounds, it is those little things that are getting me through!

I think the other problem is that I always imagined pregnancy in the first trimester to be miserable. I have sporadic nausea but it is tolerable and nothing I would even think about if I wasn't pregnant. My boobs barely hurt anymore, in fact, the don't even look different. The only three things that really stand out is my extreme fatigue, constant thirst, and my constant peeing...especially at night. But that is it. Even those symptoms at times seem to not be that bad. I really wish that I was sick so I knew that I was growing another human...I need that reassurance.

I am going in for another Heparin Anti-XA level in the morning to check to see how my body is responding to the double dose of Lovenox. There is a part of me that is so tempted to ask for an ultrasound just so I can calm down. I have my ultrasound Friday morning but that seems like an eternity from now. I should probably get used to this as things are going to change next week. I start with the MFM (perinatologist) a week from Thursday and have my last appointment with my clinic that Friday. Normally I would get discharged from my clinic this week, but since I have had so many losses they want to keep me one extra week for good measure. I am sad about leaving my clinic as I have been with them for a long time and they have become like family but despite my sadness I am looking very forward to moving on to the next chapter, a chapter that my husband and I have come close to starting many times, but every time we get taken back to the beginning. I am looking forward to moving on!!

1 comment:

  1. I lost a baby late in pegnancy (29 weeks) and have had a successful pregnancy from IVf since then, but the fear/worry didn't go away until that baby was in my arms. Once the innocence of pregnancy has been lost, unfortunately it seems like it can never be regained (from my experience). The only good thing about being labeled "high-risk" and having to see a perinatologist is that they still like to see you on a frequent basis. I went every 2 weeks until 30 weeks and every week until the baby was born. They were very understanding of my past and encourgaed me to call whenever I needed that reassurance and even told me I could come every week to hear the heartbeat if I needed to. Don't hessitate to share your fears and concerns with your new Dr, it will help them understand what you have been through and help them care for you individually! Seeing and hearing the baby so often was a great comfort and reassurance. I hope and pray for you that this baby thrives and continues to grow inside of you for many months to come!!!!