For the past week I have been driving myself crazy, analyzing every little symptom or lack there of. Some days I have all I can do to stay awake, other days I don't feel so bad. I have been terribly thirsty lately which has led to increased bathroom usage, but that has been pretty much it. My boobs kinda hurt on and off so I feel the need to keep poking them to see if they still hurt. In the beginning they hurt like hell, but now I can't tell if they are sore or just in painful because I keep ramming my finger into them. I started to completely freak myself out on Wednesday as I knew that we needed to see a heartbeat today. I am 6 weeks 3 days today, and I haven't been at all comforted by my "lack" of symptoms. All I could think about was how I was going to have to tell my boss that I can't go to a mandatory meeting for work out of state next week as I needed to have a D&C...I have had to do this twice before! That night I woke up at about 4am covered in sweat, hyperventilating. I had a dream (nightmare) that I woke up and I was bleeding so I called my clinic and they had me come in. As soon as I got there they told me that I had miscarried and I would have to wait for my body to finish the process. All I could think about was how I couldn't handle this again. All the time, effort, and emotional pain we have put into this only to have our dream ripped away from us again. I was so happy and relieved when I woke up and realized that it was only a dream. I could not go back to sleep as I was fearful about the dream starting all over. This week has been hell!!!
On my way to the clinic the morning I was trying to find ways to distract myself. Thinking about things I needed to get done, reading road signs...you get the picture. When I finally got to the clinic (my husband was there) the awful "anxious" nausea kicked in and I could feel myself shaking. They called me in after only 15 minutes of waiting and drew my blood. As soon as the nurse walked in to do my ultrasound, I completely lost it. I told her that I could not do this again, that I didn't have it in me. I starting crying. I laid back so she could start the ultrasound and I knew that there was no turning back now. I briefly looked at the screen but was distracted by her yelling "Oh my God!" I asked her what was wrong, and instead of looking worried, she was smiling. I was so confused at this point. She turned the screen so I could see it and I couldn't believe what I was looking at. There on the screen were not one, but TWO little blobs, both with beautiful little heartbeats. I started to cry like no other time in my life. My husband ran over, grabbed me, and started crying too. I was shaking uncontrollably as I just couldn't understand it. The next words out of my mouth were "how did this happen?" The nurse just laughed. Soon we were joined by two other nurses as they had overheard my hysterical crying and came in to see what was going on. It was (and still is) like a dream. How could one baby all of a sudden be two? I don't care, I am just so happy!
After I left my clinic I immediately emailed Dr. Braverman who quickly responded back. He was so happy to hear the news! In light of this new development, he is having me increase my Lovenox to 40mg twice a day and is repeating my immune panel next Thursday. He is being extra cautious but that is okay with me! I also need to have a special ultrasound done next week to look at the doppler index flow to the uterine cavity as well as repeating a Heparin Anti-XA level. I guess with my clotting disorder, since it is so high risk, we need to be extra vigilant about it.
Over the next few days I am going to let all of this sink in. I still feel like I am dreaming and I am just waiting to wake up. I am elated but scared shitless at the same time. I just want to do everything right to make sure these babies (I can't believe I'm saying babies!) are born perfectly healthy! I can't believe this!!!!!!