Tuesday, January 24, 2012

9 Weeks Today...Let The Anxiety Begin!

Since my last ultrasound on Friday I have been doing pretty good managing my worry about what is going on inside my belly. I haven't really thought about it much but now I am starting to worry a bit. I am so terrified that I am going to go for my first appointment outside of my RE this Thursday, and I am going to be told that things are over. I think what is triggering this worry, part of it anyway, is that there have been so many women on the monthly pregnancy forum that I belong to, that have gone to their first appointment this week (as most women do not have their first ultrasound until 10 weeks or later) that are finding out that their babies have no heartbeats and are gone. This is absolutely freaking the hell out of me. It has happened so many times to me, so why wouldn't it happen again? I do realize that most losses occur between six and eight weeks as that is when the most crucial systems in the body are forming, and I am well past that, but I am by no means "out of the woods" yet. Also, to top things off, I still have no idea when I am going to see the physician as the physician had to cancel for this Thursday. I am still going in for my intake and an ultrasound, but my official appointment has not been rescheduled. They called me on Tuesday, a bit before noon, and said that they would like to get me in either this Friday or early next week, and said that they would call me back later that day with an appointment. Well, I never heard back. I tried calling the woman that I am working with today and she wasn't in her office all day. I am going to call again in the morning, but me being a Type A, I need to have all my ducks in a row so I can relax a bit.

I also have gone against everything that I believe in and ordered a fetal doppler. I was very up in the air about this but decided that I needed to do it. I found one that was both FDA and CE approved (not cheap) so I can feel comfortable and safe using it. I should have it tomorrow but I am not sure if I want to use it yet. Even though it is a medical grade doppler it is a bit early to get a consistent reading, but definitely possible for it to work. I almost got one that showed an EKG reading along with the heart rate, but knowing me and my previous Paramedic background, I would over analyze the rhythm and freak myself out!

I have exactly 40 more hours until my appointment and that time could not go by fast enough. I just want to be told that everything is okay. I realize that I have another 31 weeks of this, so I need to learn how to manage my anxiety. I truly believe that once we get past this scan and the NT scan, that my anxiety and worry will lessen. It isn't that I don't believe that this is all going to be alright, its that I lose everything the minute I let my guard down. I am just protecting myself right now!!

5 comments:

  1. (((Hugs))) Breath. You will get through the next 40 hours. And getting the Doppler sounds like it was a good idea. I hope it ends up being reassuring and helping you stay calm more of the time.

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  2. wishing you luck for your next scan!! i hope the time zips on by for you, krystyn!! <3
    xoxo
    maria

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  3. Good luck making it through the next 40 hours and for your scan! My friend got the Doppler and it was the best decision for her.

    ICLW #17

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  4. So sorry you are struggling. I'm pregnant now after a late miscarriage, and for me, I was scared pretty much all the time through the first trimester. Then the worry really eased up. Now it comes and goes a little, but is mostly gone. I hope the worry goes away (or at least lessens!) for you too!
    Hugs...

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  5. I'm so sorry about your loss. I've never had a miscarriage, but I am very, very familiar with loss.

    Congratulations on the pregnancy! I swear by my doppler! Please don't worry too much about the ultrasound measurements—they are so variable with each sonographer, and really, they are just averages. My first and second sons (both IVF) constantly measured behind. They were both perfect. Small, but so am I. My MFM and I are fabulous friends (even on FB!) and I have his cell number on speed dial! I am glad you are happy with yours.

    Hoping your scan goes well!

    ICLW99

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