Saturday, December 24, 2011

Looking for Strength

Today is Christmas Eve and I really don't know how I am going to get through the day. How am I supposed to go about our planned festivities and act happy and joyful, when I am not? For the first time ever in my life I just want Christmas to be over. This year I wish it didn't exist. Christmas is supposed to be about hope and faith. Tell me this, how the hell am I supposed to have hope and faith when God (used very loosely) doesn't even give me the chance to experience what it would be like? As soon as something good comes into my life, the minute I think I start to feel happiness and joy, it gets ripped away from me and I am left with stab wounds to the heart. When am I going to be cut a break? If this pregnancy needed to end, it couldn't have waited to start happening until after Christmas? It had to happen the day before Christmas Eve?

I have been crying so much and so hard since yesterday afternoon that I started spotting again. I didn't write about this yesterday as I wasn't thinking straight, but Dr. Braverman sent me five emails in a matter of 25 minutes. When I told him what my beta was, I asked him if it was over. He said it wasn't over but he was concerned. After going through five consecutive losses, I know what "concerned" means. My emotions started spilling over into my emails back to him and he sent me a message that said "I will get you there, I promise." As soon as I read that I cried so hard my nose started to bleed. My feeling of hopelessness started to lift as I knew he would help me. He then responded back that I "will be [a mom]", and that he "can't remember not helping someone who is able to make good embryos". He concluded his email by saying that "this one is no where near over yet". I could not be more grateful to him for these emails. Even if this doesn't end well, his words are giving me the strength to even be alive today. I have never had a doctor as caring as him and as concerned as him either. Again, for anyone who has stumbled upon my blog looking for information about Dr. Braverman or Reproductive Immunology, please read through all of my posts on him as words can't describe how wonderful he is.

So now we wait. I need to somehow get through these next 48 hours. My soul right now is split in two; one part is preparing for the worst and is getting ready to lose this baby. The other half of me is clinging to the little bit of hope that Dr. Braverman has given me. Normally I wouldn't do this, but something is telling me to. I feel if my little bean is going to fight, then I need to fight for my little bean. For all of you who read this and have already been blessed with a child, please hold your little ones close tonight and realize what a precious gift you have been given. Please don't EVER take that for granted...life is too short.

Merry Christmas everyone!

7 comments:

  1. I will keep praying for you. I think the popular saying comes in effect here.... "its not over until its over". I think that your doctor is absolutely amazing also and the fact that he is promising to get you there is very inspirational.

    Sending so many prayers and thoughts your direction.

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  2. You continue to be in my prayers. Your dr sounds amazing, I am sure you are in good hands. Hang in there!!

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  3. Many good thoughts to you. It is heartening as a new Dr. B patient to hear how supportive he is. My losses have proven to me that my child is a miracle and I could never take him for granted. I know that when you become a mother, you will be incredible at it. I don't know why good people have to struggle to have a child while other people have healthy babies they neglect and abuse. It's an unbalanced ledger of life that I'll never understand.

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  4. Thinking of you. It is so unfair that things had to become so uncertain for you right before Christmas. Even though Dr. B. is amazing and caring and has offered you so much to hope for, it still really sucks to have to be in this kind of limbo at any time, much less over a holiday where everyone expects you to be happy. I'll be holding you in my heart all weekend. (((Hugs)))

    --Hope

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  5. Thinking of you. It is so unfair that things had to become so uncertain for you right before Christmas. Even though Dr. B. is amazing and caring and has offered you so much to hope for, it still really sucks to have to be in this kind of limbo at any time, much less over a holiday where everyone expects you to be happy. I'll be holding you in my heart all weekend. (((Hugs)))

    --Hope

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  6. So sorry u have to go through this. Hope for the best and expect the worse. I don't think it makes it any easier becuz a possible loss feels terrible but my dad used to always say "why die a thousand times when u only have to die once?" Praying that this pregnancy is successful for you. Hang in there! ICLW#20

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