Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Sad Day

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
It calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistence. If it were not
for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it. In the end you just keep
on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can. You will be that
mother that you always wanted to be. Just keep waiting for me.

Today marks two years since our first loss. Never in a million years would I have expected to be sitting here tonight writing this post, still fighting my way through this nightmare. I have never been the type of person that obsesses over a particular date, especially one that marks a day of loss or even a potential due date from a loss. But for some reason this date hit hard for me. I am, of course, sad over the loss, but my pain is much bigger than that. My pain today comes from everything that has happened between November 16, 2009 and today, present day. I am sad over all the lost time, the wasted physical and emotional pain that I have gone through for nothing, and the fact that my entire life has stopped for well over two years. I have a fear that I will be sitting here, writing a similar post to this, two more years from now, still childless. I am scared to think about the possibility of a 6th, 7th, or even 8th loss. When does this nightmare end? Will it ever end?

I am, however, very thankful for my husband today. He has stood by my side through all of this. He as given me the will to keep on going and the strength to fight even when I wanted to give up. He is my entire world and I love him more than life itself. He is my heart, my soul mate. He is everything to me.

4 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. Sometimes a date like that will hit unexpectedly hard. I had one of my own recently, so I hear ya. (((Hugs)))

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  2. What a beautiful post. My heart weeps for you. Your love and faith, even in the face of so much pain, inspires me. You are such an amazing woman. Sweaty hugs.

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