Sunday, October 30, 2011

Dealing With Emotions

Over the past few weeks I have been busy trying to keep my schedule straight as I have had so much going on. Now that I have had a few moments to just sit back and relax, I am faced with all of my thoughts and fears, something that I haven't had to deal with in a while. Over the past few days I have found myself crying a lot. I am miserable about myself. I absolutely hate the way that I look. Not only do I have this weight gain to psychologically contend with, but I am now dealing with horrific acne (not sure what that is all about) and these disgusting lesions. My dozen or so lesions have turned into about 100. I am completely covered and they itch like hell. I feel like the most unattractive person in the world right now. I am constantly reminding myself how much better my husband could do and it makes me sad to think this way. I worry all the time that he is no longer attracted to me...I can't say that I blame him if he isn't. I am truly gross...

I am also worried about my husband. We have his surgical consult coming up on Friday. I know that the best case scenario is the surgeon telling us that he is a candidate for surgery, but it scares me to see my husband like that. Even though I am the tough one, the matriarch so to speak, I still like to think of my husband as the strong and solid one. It is really hard for me to see him this way. I know that he is going to be okay but when I see him in this condition I become overwhelmed by fear, the fear that I could lose him. I would be nothing without him, he is my entire life. I can honestly say that without my husband, I have nothing. He is all the family I have.

The other thing that has been bothering me a lot lately is my failure to be a mom. In two weeks it will be 2 years since our first loss. Two years and 5 losses later, I am still stuck in this infertility hell. I am not sure why all of a sudden I am having such a hard time with this. Maybe it is all the baby activities (showers and such) coming up that are getting to me. Maybe it is all of the pictures family and friends are posting on Facebook of their new babies, growing bellies, and ultrasound pictures. Maybe it is the nearing Holiday Season that serves as a reminder of all that I have lost and all that I don't have. I am usually a holiday fanatic but this year I have no interest in the Holidays. I am not having my annual Holiday party that I always have as I really don't feel much like celebrating or being around people. I don't even want to decorate and this is something that is a huge deal in my house. I could actually care less about Thanksgiving, Christmas, or even the New Year. I still remember how everyone said to me that "good things were coming my way" in 2011...well, I am still waiting and 2011 is almost over. There is part of me that just needs a sign, a sign that everything is going to be okay. I just need to know that everything is going to be okay...

2 comments:

  1. Krystyn,

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of this right now. I've been down enough times to know better than to try to think that anything I say is going to "fix" anything, but there are still a few things I can't help but share.

    A.- From where I am sitting, you are gorgeous. When I am talking to people whose time at support group overlapped with your own and I am trying to describe who you are, I always say "She was the pretty, stylish, feisty blonde, who told it like it is and didn't pull any punches." No one has any trouble guessing who I'm talking about with that description...and it still fits you today (with the exception of the "blonde" part). Even with acne and lesions and any other manner of the plague that life throws at you, you will always be beautiful.

    B. I've seen you and your husband together, and the love in his eyes for you is evident. I know that he adores you (lesions and all), as well he should.

    C. I've never had to face the situation that you and your husband are facing, regarding his health. But if it is any comfort, I know you have a lot of prayers and support being sent your way. If there is ever anything I can do to help out, please let me know.

    D. You are not alone. During my IF journey, I hated the holidays and baby showers and any other events that required me to try to put on a happy face and "forget" about the crap hand life had dealt me. How do you forget that your heart has been broken? No one understood how I felt then, with the exception of the other women who were going/had gone through it. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us out there...and while it isn't much...knowing I was not alone in my feelings helped a little. If you need to take a break from the holidays, etc. this year, you do it...and do it without any guilt. You do whatever you need to do to take care of you because Lord knows you deserve it.

    Okay. I'll stop now as this must be one of the longest and most obnoxious comments in blogging history. I hope that things turn around soon and that the "good things" hurry up and get their butts here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please remember that everything you are feeling I'd completely normal! You have a lot going on right now on top of fertility issues that would make anyone emotional. I have spent many holiday seasons just plastering a smile on my face and hoping for it to hurry up and be over. Don't expect more of yourself than you should! Lean on your husband, do what you can and just let the rest go.

    ReplyDelete