Unfortunately, I didn't receive the news I was hoping for...injectable cycle #7, IVF #4 has failed. After 6 weeks of hell, we are back at the beginning again. I am really starting to wonder if this is ever going to work. I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting this outcome, I mean, after being able to get pregnant pretty much every other cycle, I can't believe we would have two failed cycles in a row. Right now I am feeling quite down and hopeless. There is a reason for 2 failed IVF cycles, having a total of 12 embryos transferred. There is a reason my first two IVF cycles ended in loss and there is a reason I have had 3 losses before starting IVF. I am waiting to hear from the director of my clinic as the nurse manager is having him call me directly. He has a conference on Saturday but I should hear from him by Monday the latest. We are going to talk about doing the immune panel. I was going to go see Dr. Braverman in NYC, however, I can't afford the consultation fees after wasting (yes, wasting) all of this money on IUIs and IVFs. The nurse manager said that they will do what they can to get this testing done for me as I cannot justify moving forward without doing it. We are reopening the discussion on using Neupogen as well. I really don't give a shit at this point how sick I get physically, as it cannot be any worse than how I am mentally. We are also rediscussing CGH testing. If we do another round of CGH and find that my eggs suck again, we will know that my eggs are just no good. There are so many thoughts going through my head that I am very overwhelmed (and extremely sad) at the moment.
To top everything off I received a lovely email from the adoption agency that we are working with. We had a meeting with them on the 30th and filled out the preliminary paperwork. We were told that the waiting list would open by November so we should be getting a call to start the process shortly. Last Friday I had a missed call from the agency so I was thinking that they were calling us to get the ball rolling. Since I missed the call I emailed them so I could find out what was going on. On Monday I recevied an email back telling me that there were "some concern from [the] directors about [my] husband's age" and that they "feel it will be a challenge to have a young birthmother in her teen's or twenty's select [our] profile." The email continues on saying that the wait for a Caucasian baby could be very long as they have so many couples waiting for a Caucasian baby and that at this time only families willing to accept full African American babies would be considered. Ok, so wait, my husband is too old for a Caucasian baby but not an African American? So if they feel that a father needs to be of a certain age to be a good father, shouldn't that apply to a Caucasian AND African American babies? Does that sound a little racist or is that me? At our last meeting we said that we were interested in Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian, and mixed race but had a little hesitation about full African American as some of his family (the older ones) are old school and we really want to avoid unnecessary drama as we have been through enough.
I thought that we were put on a waiting list for a reason! After I stopped crying I actually called this women and politely confronted her. I asked her what the difference was as I realize that my husband is a bit on the older side (its not like we are planning his funeral or making nursing home preparations) but I am 31. She said that it wouldn't be fair to the child and that the directors had concerns regarding my husband being too old to father an infant. She actually suggested that we consider adopting an older child, like a 10 year old. Umm, again, I am only 31. She said that a birthmother will not select us because of his age...despite the fact that our profile doesn't even reveal our ages. My husband is in great shape and has a full head of jet black hair so it isn't like he looks old. She did say that if the birthmother asks that they have to tell her, but I wouldn't expect them not to. I feel as if THEY are the ones discriminating, not the birthmothers. She then went on to say that there were too many couples in their 20's and 30's who are waiting that would be chosen before us and that they are reluctant to take someone that is in their mid 40's or older as they tend not to get picked. And back to the whole African American situation....again, a Caucasian baby is worthy of a father they feel to be fit based on age, but that doesn't apply to an African American baby?! The next question I asked was about problems with health. I asked if it makes a difference that we are willing to accept medical cases. She asked me "like what?" I told her that we would consider a baby exposed to drugs as I have experience around this and understand it quite well. I said that a baby exposed to Methadone or Suboxone is something I would even consider. Her immediate response was "well, what about a baby born addicted to heroin?" It was at this point that I realized that every option that she was giving us, to her, was a "misfit" situation and that is all that my husband and I are worthy of even though I don't view African American babies or heroin addicted babies as misfits, they are a gift from God no matter what. And anyway, how can you compare an African American baby to a heroin addicted baby. One is a complex medical case, and the other is regular baby, just one that has darker skin....what is the big deal with that! I can't even tell you how outraged and disgusted I am by this.
They are supposed to be a "Christian" agency but I don't believe their values are very Christian. Until she knew our ages she was very excited about working with us. She even gave me a book to start reading to prepare me for things. I think over these past 2 1/2 years my husband and I have proved how much we want a child. We would not have gone through all that we have if we weren't serious about it or determined. It is so unfortunate that a child who needs a home will never have the chance with us as I know that we would be great parents and we have so much to offer. I think that it may be time to contact the media...or even a lawyer!