Saturday, September 10, 2011

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

...and if you try sometime you find, you get what you need.

Those words could not have been any more accurate than they were yesterday. Let me start out by saying something regarding my post on Wednesday. I wasn't going to mention this but Wednesday was our due date for our 4th loss and that has been contributing to the mood I have been in. I have never been one to obsess over those dates, but this time it bothered me. It wasn't the fact that I wasn't giving birth or that I wasn't holding a baby in arms, it was about how much I have lost and how much I am still struggling with this.

Over the past few days I have felt myself going Yesterday though, I had a revelation, a spiritual awakening of sorts. With all of the flooding that we have had, my parent's basement apparently had a foot of water in it. They had asked me to come get all of my stuff out of their house as they were having a cleanup crew come. I really didn't think much about this until I got there. I walked down the basement stairs and my entire childhood was staring me in the face. I immediately became overwhelmed. Most of my things were in bins (thank you OCD) but some things didn't make it. I immediately looked down and there was a little stuffed dog lying on the floor all dirty and wet. I reached down and picked it up and then realized this was a dog that my Dziadziu had given me when I was a toddler. I then proceeded to start going through the bins. There were a million memories, both good and bad, just sitting in those bins. I found all of my books, mostly Dr. Suess and Golden Books, and luckily they were okay. I then moved that bin aside and discovered a bin of stuffed animals. I started digging through it until I came upon the one thing that ended the day for me. There was my little pink musical lamb. When wound up, it plays "Easter Parade." As I was standing there holding it, I quickly went through a series of flashbacks, some that I was happy to remember, others that I would rather forget. I know that this is just a stuffed pink musical lamb, but to me it represents so much more. It signifies survival. I was given this lamb by my mom right before she was diagnosed with Stage IV Uterine Cancer. She was the age that I am now when she was diagnosed, and I was only 7. As a scared child, not knowing if my mom was going to live, I always held this lamb like it was the last thing she was ever going to give me. It was everything to me. At this point I had to put the lamb back in the bin. I couldn't take anymore. I grabbed that one bin and I left. To make the day even more spectacular, I had to pick up the ashes of my dog. Great day!

By the time I got home I was overcome with emotion. I was pacing back and forth with no one to help me. My husband was three hours away. I kept thinking about that lamb, I kept thinking about everything that I have lost, and I kept thinking about the things that I may never have. I was literally going out of my mind. Something that I never do, I decided to reach out to someone. Even though I was worried about bothering her, I went against my usual instinct and I called the nurse manager from my clinic. Through my journey at this clinic, I have become close with her, and consider her a friend. I was so upset I just started talking. I didn't worry about the words that were coming out of my mouth or how ridiculous I may have seemed. This was how I felt and I couldn't deny it. After talking with her for quite sometime I realized a lot. I realized that I need to let go. Not give up, but let go. This journey through infertility was not a part of my life, it became my life. In my conversation with her we discussed every being pregnant, adoption, surrogacy. She said something though that really struck a nerve. She said at the end of the day, when all is said and done, that I will be home with my husband holding our precious baby, and everything that I am going through now will not matter nor would how I got to have that baby. I couldn't believe how right she was, however, the one thing that hit me is what if my husband isn't there. What if he leaves me or something happens to him. I have spent these past two years focusing on starting a family that I have forgot about what I already have. I couldn't believe this.

My husband ended up getting home earlier than expected and I told him to get dressed as we were going for a ride. I did not tell him where we were going, but I had an evening planned. We drove for about 45 minutes, back to the little town where we began our lives together. We had dinner at the steak sandwich shop that we always used to go to, we saw a movie at the little one screen theater in town, and then finished the night off with a coffee at the local Dunkin Donuts where we always would frequent late at night. It wasn't until we were sitting having our coffee that I realized that I already have what I need. He is my entire life and without him, life just wouldn't be worth it. At that moment Israel Kamakowiwo's version of "Over the Rainbow" started to play. I was overcome with feelings of happiness and contentment, it was at that point that I knew that everything was going to be okay. That song has special meaning to both of us. It is the song that he sang to me at our wedding, the song that signified the beginning of our lives together and the end of a past filled with sadness and despair.

I learned the greatest lesson of all yesterday. Life isn't about what you don't have, it's about what you already do have. It's about the love and happiness that fills your soul and gives you life. You don't have to give up on your dreams, you just need to realize all of your dreams that have already come true. 


  1. beautifully written. it's so easy to forget what we have. I'm happy for you that you had such an amazing reminder!

  2. awww lovely! Sometimes we have to go right back to where we started to realise just how far we have been. Love that you did that