Sunday, September 4, 2011

Difficult Times

I have never been one of those people that refused to associate with pregnant women or carried around anger and hatred towards those that are pregnant...and I am still not. However, yesterday was a very difficult day for me...something that I wasn't prepared for. I had a shower to attend for my husband's family and was surrounded by many women who I did not know. Things were fine up until the point where I started to pay attention to my surroundings. I was surrounded by mothers and their young children....many of them. I couldn't help but to watch the interactions between them realizing that I should have had this a long time ago. If my first pregnancy would have worked out, my child would be almost 14 months old. I just tried to ignore it but soon I felt myself becoming overwhelmed. All I could think about is how there is a good chance that I may never have this. If my body has killed 5 pregnancies, what is going to prevent it from happening again? I never imagined that this type of a situation would bother me, but it did. I was not angry or hateful, I was jealous. Along with these feelings of jealousy and envy was complete hatred towards myself. The one thing that I was put on this earth to do, I am a failure at. Why does there have to be something wrong with me? I ended up leaving early and walked out with my husband's family as they had other commitments so they could not stay for the whole thing. I was so focused on not crying I honestly don't even remember saying good-bye to them. The minute I got into my vehicle and closed the door, the tears started to flow. I ended up crying the entire 45 minute drive home but was proud that I was able to hold off as long as I did.

My biggest fear right now, as I mentioned before, is that this is never going to work out for me. I can't help but think that my body is going to destroy every single pregnancy, never giving me the chance to experience motherhood. People tell me not to think like that (virtual middle-finger is currently erect) but when that is all I know, it is hard to think any other way. Since I don't know what the outcome of any of this will be, my husband and I have made a decision. We are officially pursuing adoption. We have our appointment on September 30th to start filling out the paperwork. The agency we have chosen is amazing and I will talk more about them in another post. Before we can even be on a placement list, we have to undergo a NY State Home Study which can take anywhere from 1-6 months. The Home Study and application fees are about $2000 and that is all we would be out if we weren't accepted (which I don't think would ever happen.) The agency fee (which is the largest fee) is approx $20k and this covers just about everything but my attorney fees and the attorney fees for the Birthmother (which I would be responsible for.) We also have to pay $5000 for advertisement and this includes a profile book  and an Internet profile which is shown to Birthmothers so that they can choose a family to work with (this is how they select us.) The nice thing about this agency is that if the adoption falls through, either pre or post placement, we are refunded the placement fee. Very few agencies do this and will actually keep your fee is the Birthmother changes her mind. The other really nice thing is that the placement fee includes medical expenses and housing for the Birthmother which is required by law. Other agencies will actually make you pay directly out of pocket and the fees are not refundable if the Birthmother decides against adoption once matched. There is a lot to this and I will dedicate an entire post to it later this week.

On another note, AF has finally arrived. I have an appointment to go in for baselines on Tuesday so I will know then whether or not this cycle is a go. The only thing at this point that will prevent me from doing a medicated cycle would be cysts. I am a bit nervous about this but I am hoping that since AF was a week late, that my body had enough time to rid itself of any cysts. If there are cysts, we will be doing a natural cycle...something we haven't done in over 2 years! 


  1. "My biggest fear right now, as I mentioned before, is that this is never going to work out for me. I can't help but think that my body is going to destroy every single pregnancy, never giving me the chance to experience motherhood."

    I could have written this statement myself. It's how I've felt for the entire time period that I was dealing with our losses. Thing of it is though, you're a hell of a lot stronger than I ever was. Just the simple fact that you stepped foot into that shower shows how good of a person you are, even if it turned out to be difficult for you. (((HUGS)))

  2. Hugs! What a wonderful family member you are to attend this shower.

    I'm sorry for not know this but have you ever been tested for autoimmune disorders? This is a new "thing" for me myself but I'm hoping that my test results might reveal something about why I can't handle pregnancy. Dr. Sher recommended some tests for me, which are extremely pricey but are probably worth it if they reveal something that can be treated.

  3. I think all those feelings are natural and that many of us would agree we have experienced them too. On a number of occasions, I have caught myself staring at pregnant strangers or mother's with their babies. I would just stare at their bellies and wonder how far along they were. Trying to decide if my belly looked like that when I lost our son at 29 weeks. And I will admit, I was jealous too! I can remember this picnic I went to and just sat there in my own little world watching all these moms interact with their kids, my husband and I excused ourselves early and I burst into tears the second I got into the car, just like you. Such an awful feeling! I'm praying for you and your brokenheart. I'm always impressed with how your next plan is in place. Good luck with your next cycle and with the adoption. One person once told me, "with adoption there are no BFN's".

  4. Kelly- Thanks you for your kind words...they mean a lot!

    miracleintheworks- Thanks for the recommendation. Unfortunately I have already been through extensive autoimmune testing and nothing has showed. I was expecting to see at least elevated NK+, but those were even fine. My RE is taking some precautionary measures and he has me on Prednisone and I get monthly IvIg transfusions.

    kathrynbest9- "with adoption there are no BFNs"...I love it.

  5. I completely understand your fears and your anger and your jealousy. I'm right there with you. It's so hard. I struggle with it too and it is an awful feeling but completely understandable.

    I hope that this cycle or one not too far off is the "one" for you! I also wish you lots of luck on moving forward with adoption.