Thursday, August 4, 2011

Why Do I Want To Have A Baby?

The really short answer to that question is that I can't imagine my life without a child and I truly believe that I was born to be a mom. That is the short and simple answer, however, the reality of it goes much deeper. About 10 years ago I had to make a very hard decision: my life or my family. As I have mentioned previously, I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family where a lot of really bad things happened. As a child you are oblivious to the realities of life so no matter what happens to you, you cope and continue on...or at least you think you do. Once we become wiser and realize how much those things from the past destroyed our lives we become resentful, confused, and angry. Not knowing how to properly channel those feelings, we tend to internalize them which causes us to blame ourselves. That is exactly what I did.

To this day, I remember the moment that I realized that something in my life had to change and it wasn't going to happen unless I did it myself. At the age of 16 I remember having this overwhelming feeling that my life didn't matter to anyone. I knew that one day I would have a life of my own and I could leave my past behind but I had a hard time accepting that I was only a teenager and it was going to be a while before this happened. I became very experienced at dissociating from the world. I felt so defeated. What changed everything for me was when I woke up in the intensive care unit on a respirator where I had been for 3 days. I remember opening my eyes thinking that I was dreaming. I laid there waiting to wake up, but I didn't. I kept having these visions and I soon realized that I was remembering what had happened to me. Apparently my crying set off the alarm on the respirator as one of the nurses came running over. She looked at me, grabbed my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay. For once in my life I was thankful to be alive. From this exact moment on, I knew that I was going to make it. I was ready and willing to do anything and everything that I had to so I could ensure myself the life that I deserved.

I obviously did what I set out to do, but it didn't come easy. In order to succeed in life I had to make the difficult decision to cut-off ties with most my family. The people that I remained closest to were my Babci and Dziadziu (grandparents.) They were the most incredible people who loved me and taught me what it meant to be a family. I have such great memories of them throughout my entire life. They encouraged me, supported me, and most importantly, loved me for who I was. When my Dziadziu passed away in 2007 I started to feel that there was a huge void in my life. My Babci followed and joined him in Heaven two years later. It was shortly after her passing that I realized how important family was. I wanted back all of the good times...holidays, birthdays, and just those regular days where you know that life couldn't be better. The only difference now is that I want to be that caregiver, just like my Babci and Dziadziu were. I want my child (or children) to grow up knowing that they are loved, appreciated, and perfect just the way that they are. I want them to know how important family is. I want to remember what that was like.

3 comments:

  1. I think that the longer we TTC without success, the more and more I ask myself this question. While once upon a time the answer was cut and dried, it has gotten more and more complicated over time.

    I know that you will make a wonderful mother, and pass on those lessons in love you were so fortunate to receive from your grandparents. I hope that your blessing comes soon.

    Much love,
    Jo

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  2. I am so proud of everyone who overcomes such things and who change themselves for the better. Even better than that is they vow to change that for their children. You are an amazingly strong woman.

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  3. Jo-Thanks so much for your kind words. I can only hope that I can be as important to my kids and grandchildren one day as my grandparents were for me.

    Kate-I truly believe that in order to break the cycle that someone needs to make the decision to stop it and I am determined that it will be me. I never want my kids to experience what I did and I will do everything and anything to protect their innocence of childhood.

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