Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Reality of Emotions

Today was not a good day for me. I had my second monitoring appointment this morning and of course it didn't go as I had planned. My follicles are looking good..growing slowly but that is expected with any estrogen priming protocol. My estradiol was at 638 which is better than what I had hoped for. However, my lining has decreased by over a millimeter. It went from a 5.77 to 4.56. I know that it is still early and my follicles are only between the 11mm and 12mm mark so I guess that there is still a chance. The worst part of it though is knowing everything that I am doing to thicken my lining and not having it work. It's like a slap in the face. My LH was also pretty low at 0.38. I read a few journal articles on low LH during IVF stimming and I do not like what I see. According to two studies, one of them in Fertility and Sterility which is the official journal of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, LH levels under 1 are associated with poor pregnancy outcomes, lower estradiol levels, and thinner endo linings.

I am absolutely miserable on this Terbutaline (even though I tell everyone I am fine.) My heart is racing and I am shaking pretty badly from it. I am so afraid that my clinic is going to stop it if they see how it is affecting me so when they come into the room to do my ultrasound I start to shake my feet so it looks as though I am shaking myself. And something fun that started today is that I can't stop shivering. Not the type you do when you are chilly, but the kind you see when someone is running a high fever...but I am not running one...I don't think. I am so nauseated from this crap that I am not eating either. I could hardly choke down a cheese pastry for lunch (and you know how much I love cheese) and I have no desire to eat dinner. My husband is riding my ass because to him, if I don't eat, I am relapsing...so annoying!

When I wasn't in the company of others today, I was crying. I now remember what I hate the most about doing fertility treatments...the lack of control. I get it, everyone likes to have control but it is different for me. When I am not in control of a situation is when something bad happens. Yes, this stems back to my childhood but it is something that I cannot let go of. I have spent so many years perfecting my tough exterior that it has now become how people see me. I act like I can handle anything, like nothing affects me. The only weakness that anyone ever sees is my anxiety. Today as I was finishing up with my appointment, I had all I could do to hold back my tears until I got into my vehicle. That is typical Krystyn. I could never ask for help back then and I can't ask for it now...I feel guilty for bothering people.

I know that I have no control over what happens with IVF...or a lot of other things in life. At times I find comfort in knowing that I can't do anymore than I am already doing but there are other times when that thought absolutely rips me apart. This is one of those times. The underlying fear, which is probably quite obvious, is that I will never be able to have my own child. I can't imagine my life if that happens. I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get to where I am today in life. I did this in order to have a somewhat normal life and to escape the unpleasantries that are my past. The next chapter in my life is to start a family. If I can't make this happen than I have failed myself.

3 comments:

  1. I really don't have any brilliant and inspiring words, but my heart is weeping for you. I can feel your emotion pouring out of this post. I'm holding on to hope for you.

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  2. I don't know what is going on medically...and I'm holding out all hope for you. But, like they say on the airplane: put your air mask on first and then help others! Be good to your body as it needs to be healthy first before anything else. Ask for help - it is not a sign of weakness!! Hugs!

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  3. I just started following your blog; I like what you have to say about this whole crazy process. Do not be afraid to ask those who love you for help or support. They will be glad to give it and maybe make you feel a little bit better about dealing with all of this on your own. Sending you good thoughts and hope.

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