Friday, August 12, 2011

Life Lessons

Here is a quick cycle/med update before I get to the main post:
Today is day 9 of stims and I went in for another monitoring appointment. On a good note my follicles are now all between 13-15mm. We stopped counting at 11 follicles but there is still more! My lining has increased from 4.56 to 5.81 so we are trending in the right direction. My RE is not concerned about my lining. He said that he has seen pregnancies result from linings as thin as a 5 or 6 and he also pointed out that I am an unique case and that we cannot apply all "research" to me as I have proven to defy the odds. I do still have a small amount of fluid in my uterus but he said that if it is still there at ET, and he is confident that it won't be, that he will suction it out prior to placing the embryos. The one thing that is bothering me though is my estrogen levels. I was forewarned that with this protocol that estrogen levels mean absolutely nothing as long term use of Ganirelix screws with the blood serum levels of E2 and the blood serum level is completely different than the actual level. This time last cycle I was around 2500 and now it is only 784. I was pretty disturbed by this but I was reassured that we cannot, in any way, use it to judge my cycle. They said my lining is thickening and my follicles are growing so everything is fine. We shall see. If things continue at this pace we are hoping to trigger on Monday with the ER on Wednesday. My RE (the one I love) is going on vacation starting the 20th so if I want him to do my transfer I will have to do a Day 2 transfer. Otherwise I can do a Day 3 with the other RE. I am leaning more towards the Day 2 as there isn't much difference between a Day 2 and a Day 3 and I would love for my RE to do my transfer. He has been through this entire journey right along with me and if my journey comes to an end this cycle (in a positive way) I would be sad if he wasn't part of it. I will decide next week what I am going to do.

I also received the results back from my Primary Care doc regarding my blood sugars. My A1C came back at 4.8 which is completely normal. We now know that diabetes is not a concern right now...which I didn't think it was. I just wish they could figure out why my blood sugar keeps falling so low. The plan is that if my blood sugar falls below 60 (which it usually does at least once a week) I have to take four glucose tablets. If it is between 60-80 I can just eat crackers. If I pass out (again) I can be given glucose gel by my husband. If I pass out in public (like I did at the mall) I am screwed as no one will know what is wrong and they will probably just think that I am a drunk. If the tabs and gel don't hold me I will have to start carrying Glucagon but I really don't want it to come to that.

Ok, enough of that crap...

Since the beginning of this nightmare people have always said that "everything happens for a reason." People have now learned not to say that to me as I will turn into the girl form the Exorcist and all hell will break loose. I will admit that there is a reason, as awful as it may sound, that my life has gone down this road. I usually just think that either God hates me or that I was Hitler in my previous life, but something hit me today as I was driving home. I was thinking today about everything that I have lost and I suddenly realized how much I have gained. I have become a much stronger person from all of this. Bad things happen everyday, but it seems now that anything that is thrown my way is manageable and can't hold a candle to what I have already endured. I also have developed a new perception of myself. I now think of myself as a survivor. Yes, I have already survived a lot, but this just reiterates that I have always been a survivor and it is just who I am. I like that thought.

Up until starting this journey, I had very few people in my life. My biggest fear about the lack of relationships in my life is the impact that it would have on my kids. Lets face it, my family is VERY limited (understatement of the year) and my husband's family is great, very loving and nice, but they all have their own lives. So when our baby(ies) come along, if they ever do, it would just be my husband and I. I realized today that this is no longer true. I now have some really awesome people in my life, all who know what I am going through either because they have been there or they work in the environment. One couple that I met when I first started fertility treatments have become like family to me. We have been through the ups and downs (literal hell) together. They have always been a wonderful source of support. Happily, they just gave birth on Wednesday to a baby girl...who I absolutely adore. Knowing what motherhood means to me and how much my life would suffer if it never happened, this amazing couple has offered to by my surrogate if it ever came down to it. I can't even hold back my tears when I think about that. To have someone just offer something like that to you is the most amazing feeling in the world. No one, and I mean no one, has ever made me feel so special. I really hope that I don't have to go that route, that I will be happily pregnant one day, but just knowing that they are there, and I do have options, takes so much pressure off of me. Even if I don't end up needing a surrogate, I will be forever grateful and I hope that they will always be a part of my life. And again, I have to mention the nurse manager at my clinic. She has done more for me in the past 19 months than most have done my entire life. I am usually very guarded and cautious around people, but I find myself actually looking forward to seeing her and talking with her. It is nice to finally have that sisterly (is that a word?) support. She doesn't take my shit and tells me how it is yet she is one of the most encouraging and supportive people I have ever met. Like I always say, I wouldn't be doing this still if it wasn't for her.

Despite all of the heartache and tragedy that I have experienced over these past 2 years, I am thankful for everything that I have gained. I can't explain it but when I realized everything positive that has come out of all of this, it was like everything changed for me. I have always realized what wonderful people I am surrounded by, but it just never clicked like it did today. Maybe this is the lesson or the reason behind my journey.   

1 comment:

  1. I found your blog through Cycle Sista and had to comment. I have been dealing with fluid in my uterus as well and wanted to share this article:

    I also live in Upstate, NY. Where do you live?

    Best of luck this cycle. I have started following so am looking forward to reading more.