Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The End

Despite already knowing that this cycle failed miserably I still had to go to my clinic this morning to have my blood work. As I already knew, my HCG was negative, <.05 (so really negative) and my progesterone was already down to 10.4. I am thankful that this didn't turn into another loss or even a chemical pregnancy but I am still devastated over the failure.

Today I informed my clinic that I am done with IVF. I explained to them that it was just too much at this point. The stress starts with the injections as you worry about having enough follicles to make it to retrieval, then you worry how many eggs they will actually get at retrieval, then how many were fertilized, and then how many will actually make it to transfer. There is so much to worry about! I know a lot of women who just don't pay any attention to these things and just leave it in the hands of the clinic but I am not one of those people. After everything that I have been through I need to feel like I have some sense of control...even though in reality, I don't. Today I talked to the nurse manager for about 40 minutes about how I was feeling. I started crying my eyes out and told her that I just couldn't do this anymore. Again she reminded me that if I give up, I will be giving up on my dream. Something that she made me realize is that there was something else that I was really having a hard time dealing with regarding IVF. We put back 8 great embryos and to me each of these embryos already signified a life and I am having a hard time thinking about how my body rejected and essentially killed these 8 tiny lives. I know that they they were only a cluster of complex cells at that point but still, it was the beginning of a tiny human. She completely understood how I was feeling which actually made me feel so much better. What we have decided, and I am still nervous about it, is to go back to medicated IUIs. With an IUI you don't know how many actual eggs you have, only the number of follicles and there isn't any fertilization unless a pregnancy were to occur, so to me, this is so much easier. Also, what we found by looking through my flowsheets is that my lining gets worse with higher doses of gonadotropins. So for my IUI we are going to do Femara (something I have never used before) on CD3-7 and then Follistim (low dose) CD7-trigger. I will still remain on the baby aspirin, Prednisone, DHEA, and CoQ10. We are also adding in Fertility Blend which is a custom herbal formula to help support the reproductive system. My husband will also be taking Male Vital Care which is a custom herb formula to help his little boys stay strong and healthy. Both of these are available through my clinic's healing arts center and are rather inexpensive.

So now I just wait for AF to show up and based on my progesterone, she should be here within the next 2 days. I will have to go in on CD3 for baseline blood work and ultrasound to check everything out. I have a feeling though that I will have a ton of left over cysts so I probably won't be able to do the IUI until October, but hey, you never know.

5 comments:

  1. I'm glad you are not giving up and that you have such a good nurse who is taking the time to work with you and to do the best for your situation. Maybe this will be better and not as much stress. Much luck and many prayers to you.

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  2. I wish there were less stress associated with TTC. It would be one less thing for us to worry about...I'm so glad though that you have a new plan that you are comfortable with moving forward. I wish you lots of luck and will be cheering you on!

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  3. I'm sad for you that IVF didn't work out - but so happy that you're not giving up on your dream! Sending you hugs.

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  4. Sucks that your IVF failed!!! Glad you aren't giving up and GL with your IUI. You have been so kind to me and I can tell you are an amazing person......amazing things will come back to you!!!!! :) Glad I found your blog.....

    Rebecca

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  5. So sorry this cycle didn't work out but your new plan sounds great! hope you feel bet

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