Monday, August 29, 2011

Big F**king Failure

Yup, that's right, this cycle failed miserably. I started spotting Friday night so I decided to take a test. Of course I had to use one of those 6 Day FRERs which detects levels as low as 6.5 and it was completely white. My Beta is not until Wednesday but this afternoon I had it confirmed that my HCG is negative so this cycle is over. I was told that this is for sure. My only fear at this point would be a messed up embryo that half ass implants at the last minute causing a chemical pregnancy (which happened last time) but I don't think that is likely at this point. I am having excruciating cramps so I know that AF is trying like hell to break through the progesterone supplements.

I am completely devastated. The piece of information that I didn't share in the beginning was the number of embryos we transferred as I didn't want to get judged by people who don't completely understand my situation. We did CGH so we know how bad my eggs are! This time we transferred 8 embryos and if you remember they were all great quality (visually anyway.) The fact that not one of the 8 embryos resulted in a pregnancy is a huge blow and I am having a very hard time handling it. I am sorry that I am ignoring everyone's calls, emails, and texts but I don't feel like talking about it right now. I cannot handle another "you have to stay positive" or a "this cycle is your cycle" comment...I will completely lose it. At this point I don't ever want to hear those things again because people obviously don't know what they are talking about. Sorry, I am very angry right now!

My husband and I have done a lot of talking over these last two days and we have decided that our IVF journey is over. After 3 failed ART cycles (BFNs), 5 losses, 3 D&Cs, 4 rounds of Methotrexate, 3 hospitalizations, 3 hysteroscopies, a septum removal, a endometrial biopsy and even bladder surgery, I am done. My heart simply cannot take anymore of this. My dream of being a mom is never going to come true, and frankly, I don't know if I can handle that...

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. Sending a hug from me!

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  2. I am so incredibly sorry hon. :-( But you know what? as devastating as this is, sometimes it's braver to say enough is enough than to keep on dealing with the heartbreak. I think you should be proud. Give yourself time. The upside of all of this is that you can hopefully move on from this difficult period in your life.
    Sending you huge hugs.

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  3. I am so sorry. Sending thoughts and prayers your way

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  4. I'm so very sorry. We're here when you do feel like you are ready to talk. My T + P are with you and your husband.

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  5. That sucks! Thinking of you!

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  6. so terribly sorry, krystyn <3

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  7. I am very sorry for all you've been through and for this very painful and unbelievable result. It's not right.

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  8. I'm so sorry. If there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

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  9. One more ting...don't you dare feel ashamed about putting 8 back. FWIW, I fully support you in that decision. No one should judge you for that... I put 5 back for IVF #2 and I was young then. I know the news is hard for you so the last thing you need to worry about is others thoughts on the matter. (((hugs)))

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  10. How devastating this must be for you. HUGS I'm so sorry :(

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