Thursday, August 25, 2011

6dt2dt (8dpo)

I am absolutely miserable from the Crinone and PIO injections. I am to the point where I don't want to be around people and I just want to be left alone. I am pretty sure that my progesterone levels kicked up on Tuesday night as all night Tuesday and all day yesterday I kept having these stabbing pelvic pains that would come and go but would absolutely take my breath away when they came on. The stabbing pains are actually better today but now it feels like I have pulled every pelvic muscle that I have as it hurts to cough, sneeze, laugh (which I am not doing much of anyway) turn over in bed or stand from a sitting position. I cannot stay awake for the life of me either. If I could work for 2 hours and then nap for 1, life would be perfect.

Okay, enough complaining...

It is getting down to the wire. I could start testing if I wanted to as I know that the trigger shot is out of my system by now. I do know, after the hell I went through last time, I will not test before Sunday...at least. I'm not so scared about getting a BFN as getting pregnant isn't my issue, I'm terrified of having a 6th loss. No one can even begin to understand what this is like for me. I absolutely appreciate the support that I get from people but from what they say, I realize that they have absolutely no idea how I feel or how this journey has impacted me. I mean, how could I expect them to understand? Someone who has only been doing this for a short time or has had only one loss or even has no infertility experience at all, can't even fathom what this process is like for me. And let me clarify, when I say "only" I am not minimizing having one loss as any loss is traumatic. I remember how awful my first loss was. I use the word "only" to differentiate between one loss and five. We all fall under the category of "infertility" but we all fall into different subcategories. I think of it like this...someone who has had lets say Stage I cervical cancer (like me) which is completely treatable and non life threatening cannot go up to someone who has Stage IV lung cancer who is going through chemo, radiation and is probably going to die and say that just because I had cancer I know what you are going through or that everything is going to be all right because it was for me! Yes, my experience with cancer was upsetting and traumatic but it was also short and successful. It isn't even comparable to someone with advanced cancer and it would be horribly disrespectful if I acted like my situation was just as bad as theirs was. Of course I do understand that if someone, who you know isn't a complete A-hole, said something like this they wouldn't be doing it to be disrespectful, they probably just don't understand what they are saying and really haven't taken the time to think about it. So that is how I kind of look at infertility and even loss. Yes, I have been through 5 losses (all first trimester) but I would never even think about going up to someone who has had a stillborn and tell them I know how they feel because in all actuality, I have no idea.

Okay, I guess I wasn't done complaining after all. Now I am done.

2 comments:

  1. Praying that this cycle brings you your take home baby. Hang in there.

    ICLW #20

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  2. I agree with you. People can sympathize, but seldom truly empathize, though I think they mean well, and just don't know what to say. While I have a healthy 4-year-old daughter (for whom I am so grateful!), since her birth, I have had 5 consecutive miscarriages (2 of them 2nd trimester, where the babies were big enough to hold, name and bury in the cemetery) and I and am actually embarrassed to have people know that I am still trying, because you can see the look on their face of "Is she crazy? Why would she put herself through that again?". I have faith (how could I not?), but am sick of hearing "It's not meant to be" or "It's God's will...there is a reason you are not meant to have another baby." I am currently almost 10 weeks pregnant, and terrified that this will be miscarriage number 6, but am trying to remind myself to appreciate and enjoy this even if it turns out to be short-lived again.

    I think that what you have gone through is just awful, and that you are a very strong woman. I am proud of your perseverance, and think that you are inspiring many through your blog. We appreciate your honesty and bravery! I am praying that this is THE cycle for you!!!

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