Thursday, July 7, 2011

Where Does Faith Come From?

I was brought up Catholic. I participated in Sunday school, sang in the children's choir, made my First Communion, and continued weekly religious instruction up until high school. Since I was pretty sick as a teenager I was unable to make my Confirmation as I was in the hospital for treatment pretty much every other week over a period of 2 1/2 years. As an adult, at the age of 23, I went back and made my Confirmation after going through a series of classes with my church. We were not "overly" religious, we just knew that we believed in God and that one day we would live with him in Heaven. Little did I know how quickly things would change for me. As time went on the "naiveness" of childhood started to disappear and I was left facing all of these experiences from my childhood that I didn't know how to handle. Realizing how much my past had affected me, I quickly became angry as I did not understand how God could have let these horrific things happen to an innocent child. I soon came to realize that I had been dealt an unfair hand, and things were not getting any better.

When my Dziadziu passed away back in 2006, I forced myself to believe again as I wanted to still feel connected to him. The only way that my heart could heal was by knowing that he was in Heaven looking over me. On July 1, 2009 I had a dream that my Babci and I were at her house packing a suitcase. When I asked her where she was going she said that she was taking a long trip. We went to the train station where we boarded the train together. We sat next to each other and started talking. I remember saying to her that I forgive her and I know that it wasn't her fault (referring to her aggressiveness due to her dementia.) She started to cry and told me that she was so happy to hear me say that. The train stopped and we got up. As I started to walk down the isle she told me that she was getting off but I had to remain on the train. I was confused but I listened. The train started to move again and I watched as she disappeared as the train moved on. The train returned to the original train station and I got off. When I woke up from this dream I was a bit taken back and I didn't know what to think. I got ready for work as usual and left for an early morning meeting. As I was turning off of my road, my phone rang and it was the nursing home. They were calling to tell me that Babci had passed away about an hour ago. I knew right then and there what that dream meant. Over the past couple of years, I have been holding onto that dream as I just couldn't believe that it was a coincidence.

After my 3rd loss last August I really started to question everything again. I just didn't understand how this could be happening. Four days after the D&C my bladder shut down and required emergency surgery...it was in no way related to the D&C. I ended up being catheterized for almost 7 weeks. It was at this point that I knew that I no longer had faith, life was just a crap shoot and I had the worst luck in the world. After finding out that my HCG rose last week from 7.8 to 13.4, even though an extremely low HCG, I started talking to Babci and Dziadziu again. I laid in my bed and cried to them, telling them that I need to find my faith again as I am too weak to do "life" on my own anymore. I asked them to give me a sign, something obvious, so that I would know that I could believe again and I had nothing to fear as my fate was ultimately up to God and all of this was just somehow part of a bigger, better plan. When I found out on Tuesday that my HCG had jumped to 110.6, I couldn't help but feel that this was my sign. The nurses even agreed that it was an incredible jump and that things could be okay. I wasn't letting my guard down, but I did have a glimmer of hope. Driving to my clinic this morning, there was part of me that was thinking that this could all be okay. This was going to be the miracle that will give me my faith back. About an hour after I left the clinic, my phone rang. They had called me to let me know that my HCG had dropped to 50. Every little bit of comfort and hope that I had towards life was gone. I kept telling myself not to be stupid as how could I expect that transferring one embryo, even though chromosomally perfect, would result in a pregnancy. Granted, the fact that it was chromosomally normal raised the chances of a successful pregnancy from 25% to almost 70%, but I knew that when we were told that we only had one good embryo to transfer that this would never work. The part that I don't understand is why did it have to start to implant? Why did it continue to develop and why couldn't this just have been a negative cycle? This is now my 5th loss, how is that fair? I am starting to think that this dream is a dream that cannot be.

As I sit here holding my dogs collar in my hands, as the tears role down my face, I realize that the last good thing from childhood is now gone. I have lost my best friend, my faith and another pregnancy. I wonder how strong I really am?

6 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so so so sorry, Krystyn! I wish there was something that I could say or do to take away some of your pain. I have been following your blog since I discovered it via the CNY discussion board (I am SMSMD on the CNY board), and had been cautiously optimistic about the beta jump, too. It's NOT fair, and I am SO sorry that you have had to deal with so much loss, including your dog....

    ReplyDelete
  2. ...Your faith has gotten you through some very difficult times. This new protocol sounds very promising. Don't lose your faith! You are an amazingly strong person!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Krystyn,
    I'm sending you big hugs. I wish I could take away all of your pain from you. Since I've met you, you have shown time and time again you are a strong woman. I look up to you in so many ways, I think of you as the sister I wish I had. I can relate to your need to understand faith. I never grew up in church, in 2009 Tiffany lost her last 2 grandparents with in a month of each other. Both were secure in their faith and passed in peace. I wanted that my whole life I wanted and needed something to believe in the release my anger. So we started thinking about going to church, Tiffany's mom one day said to me that I would get more out of it then I would ever put in. Well so I started to go every Sunday so prayed as hard as I could for help and for god to one day bless our lives with a child. I told him every Sunday that I trusted he would know when was the right time and continued to try. Well you know how it turned out. Know that now every Sunday I pray to him to please bless you in your journey, I tell him how special and wonderful you are and how kind you have always been to us both. Faith is hard to have and easy to lose but know when you can't find it I'll be there praying for you. You are in my prayers and heart everyday. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh I'm so with you, also brought up in the church, sunday school, sunday service blahblah etcetc. I also 'lost the faith' in the dogma part of religion and while I know it fits for and comforts other people, not me. I don't think 'god' has anything to do with the losses, personally.

    Thats an ace dream about Babci (grandma?) I had siilar but mine had died prior, I dreamt about her and the dog I grew up with, going on a walk near where I grew up, and her talking an alternative route and telling me they had to go down this different road. Its a little woowoo but thats probably the time I accepted this too

    ReplyDelete
  5. At times I have felt like you, seriously questioning my Catholic up bringing and asking why. Don't lose your faith. It can help you through this. I know it is hard. All of this can be too hard at times. I will be praying for you and your future baby.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I began following your blog when I saw your link on CNY. I'm 4AJBest100507. Although our situations are completely different, we have had own struggles. I lost a baby at 29 wks due to injuries I sustained in a car accident. It nearly took my life and I struggled to get back my health for over a year. If it wasn't for my faith, I do not know how I would have ever gotten though the emotional, physical and mental struggles we faced. God will be there for you when you seek Him. Turn to Him in prayer and speak to Him and open up just as you have on your blog. I completely and wholeheartedly believe He is real and can get you through any situation. You have faced more obstacles than most people and been brave to try again and again. You may not be able to do it all alone, but with God all things are possible.
    I really hope this does not sound too "preachy", but I felt like I needed to share my heart with you. Your blog has touched my heart and I pray that you are blessed with a baby, one way or another. I also hope that in no way, my words would offend you or upset you, but just give you hope and maybe offer you a glimpse on how to have faith when it seems like all else had failed.

    ReplyDelete