Sunday, July 10, 2011

Thank You

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my last post. It was really nice to hear how some of you have found faith and have used it to help in this journey. I am trying to figure out a way to help myself with this issue. I am not sure if I want to go talk to someone or if I should figure this out on my own. The one part of this that I struggle with the most is feeling like my fate is purely my responsibility and that I have the power to control everything that happens. Thinking this is putting so much pressure on me as I feel like when something goes wrong, it was either my fault or that I just have really bad luck. Back when I had faith it was nice to just think how everything happened for a reason, a greater reason that we would never understand. Having now experienced my 5th loss, I sometimes feel myself struggling with the thought that I could control the outcome of my pregnancy. There is a part of me that thinks that this will never have a happy ending as, biologically speaking, my body just isn't capable of producing a child. Having that thought in my head is really difficult as it makes me question why I am getting ready to jump feet first into this again. Obviously there is something that is keeping me going. There is something there that is giving me the strength to continue on with this journey. I am not sure what it is but I am very thankful for it.

Some women have said to me that there is no way that they could have survived what I have gone through. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I could, I would have told you that I would never have been able to handle it. Well I have. I ask myself everyday how I am still standing, how I am able to continue on. I really don't know that answer to that but I can tell you that I just can. I know that I could have more heartache and pain in the future, but I believe that it would be more so not having a child in my life to love. I often think how meaningless my life would be without a child. Whether it is faith, luck, or pure biology, I hope that one day, everything will just work out...I just need it to!

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you've been going through this; it's stressful enough as is. I just read your post yesterday, I had a similar dream right after my grandfather died (from alzheimers)-a dream within a dream, where he told me he was OK and happy, and not to worry. Signs are all around us that faith is there, even when we aren't ready for it or believe in it. I think that sometimes you get through these things second by second, and as you get stronger, it becomes day by day, then week by week...and somewhere along the line, a resolution to how what happened fits into your life.

    I'm thinking of you and wishing you all of the best. Stay strong.

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  2. Yep! When people say 'oh you're so strong' or whatever, its hard for them to see that we're not really. Just cobbling on through and doing the best we can. But stronger for it.

    I think most people would be the same. Just cos they can't imagine it, doesn't mean our reactions, philosophies and cognition is particularly unusual.

    I think that what gets me through is sheer denial. I can't imagine NOT having a child in my future

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