Monday, July 11, 2011


I haven't figured out if this is going to be considered an early "miscarriage" as my HCG did rise appropriately over a course of 7 days or if this will be deemed a "chemical pregnancy." Either way, it is a loss and my body is obviously trying to "clean things out." This is the first loss out of 5 that I have not needed any intervention such as Methotrexate or a D&C so I did not know what to expect. Last night I started with what seems to be the heaviest period I have ever had. I have already had 2 mishaps today as the pads can't keep up with the bleeding. I think the worse part is the cramping and the headaches. I am hoping that this will start to let up soon. This morning I did POAS. I used one of those stupid 6 day FRERs that detect levels as low as 6.8 and I did get a very faint positive so I know that the HCG is still in my system. My HCG has to be a 10 or below in order for me to start on BCP so I am praying that it will be that low by Thursday when I go back in. If it is close, I am going to ask to come back in on either Saturday or Monday as I don't want to wait another whole week. I am just praying that it is in fact going down like it should.

Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about where I am heading. I know that I may face more miscarriages, ectopics, and chemicals if I continue on. I am still wanting to move forward and I am ready to start another IVF cycle, but I don't know when it is going to come to the point where I can't do this anymore. I hope it never comes to that, but if it does I want to be prepared. Prior to these last two losses, my husband and I met with two adoption agencies to see what our options were. I knew in my heart that adoption was not something that I wanted to do as I wanted to be a mom to my own child. After having these last 2 IVFs result in pregnancy yet fail, my attitude is starting to change dramatically. As much as I would love to have a child that is part me and part my husband, I want to be a mom more than anything. I have been thinking more seriously about adoption and my husband and I are now seriously looking into it. With the 2 agencies that we met with, the cost to adopt a domestic infant is roughly $31K. After spending all of this money on IVF and genetic testing, I just can't whip out that kind of money without some planning. I have emailed my company as most major companies offer some assistance with adoption...most offer to cover 50% of the cost but I am not sure if that is the case with my employer. The other thing that I found out is that there is a $13K tax credit for adoption which I believe that we would be eligible for...not sure about the income requirements though.

I am up in the air about how fast I want to move with this. The initial process takes roughly 6+ months to complete as you need to have meetings with the agency you choose and most are booking out pretty far. You also need to have a home study and this also takes some time to complete. The home study costs $750 and depending on the agency that we go with, that could be the only fee that we would have to pay until we are matched with a birthmother. With one agency the initial up front costs are around $11K because they charge $5K to make a profile for the birthmothers to look at and you also pay for application costs. The whole process from start to finish takes approximately 18 months but can very greatly on the number of infants that they get into their program and if a birthmother chooses us sooner rather than later.  There is a part of me that wants to start the process now as I am not sure if I am going to survive fertility treatments for another 18 months. There is a big part of me that is saying that after these next two IVF cycles, I am done. My entire life, not to mention my husband's, has been disrupted. We have completely stopped living as everything for the past 2 years has revolved around getting pregnant, fertility treatments, and losses. All of this is so hard to swallow but I am hoping that it will become easier as time goes on. It's amazing how much one's life can be changed in such a short time.

1 comment:

  1. Its such a hard place to be in. Its a situation where if you knew bio kids were going to happen 'at some point' that would be ok, but its the not knowing thats a real mindfuck.