Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Me: Uncensored

Before I get to the meat of this post, I just wanted to mention that I will be going in for baselines tomorrow morning. I received an email this morning from the nurse manager who told me that if AF wasn't here by Wednesday, they wanted to bring me in for baselines on Thursday. I did, however, wake up to some scant bleeding and apparently that was enough. I am praying that they tell me that I am suppressed enough and that I don't have any cysts. If all is good tomorrow I stop the Lupron and transition to 1/2 dose Ganirelix and start my Estradiol Valerate injections. I am scheduled for a diagnostic hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy for next Wednesday. My RE just wants to take one last look before preceding and he also wants to do the biopsy for the sole purpose of damaging the endometrium as this will promote a healing response which should encourage embryo implantation. If the hysteroscopy is all clear I will be able to start stims the next day, August 4th.

Ok, now on to the main portion of this evenings post:

This evening my husband and I ran to the store to look at a few things. At one point I walked past a full length mirror and ended up doing a double take. I stepped back to look again and I was mortified at what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted with the way that I looked, so much that I started crying right there in the store. I couldn't believe how big I looked. Now granted I am "only" a size 10 (sometimes a 12, but rarely) but 2 years ago before starting all of this fertility crap I was a size 4...I even had some 2's that I could fit into. I do realize that a size 10, or even a 12, is not that big. For me, however, it triggers years of struggling. One thing that I have never mentioned on this blog, and something that I rarely talk about, is that I struggled with Anorexia Nervosa for quite some time. It was real bad in my mid to late teens where I dropped down to a mere 97 pounds and was actually hospitalized for almost a month. With continued therapy I did quite well with my eating and my weight, but it was a constant battle to stay on track. In 2001, when I was a paramedic, I started to struggle again. At this point food restriction was not cutting it so I started using Xenadrine, you know, the kind that they ended up banning. I was not taking the recommended 2 or 3 a day, I was taking around 10. I actually ended up in the hospital a few times as my heart ended up in SVT. Since I was fearful for my life, I needed to find another method to help control my weight. As much as I am ashamed to admit this, I went to the extreme of buying two sets of ankle weights that could be hidden under my pants so I could go to my primary doctor to ask for a prescription for Meridia. The ankle weights helped put me over the edge so that I was at an acceptable BMI for this medication. Meridia started to become an addiction. Once I left the ambulance, things straightened out for me again. Before my wedding in 2006, I had a complete relapse eating a measly 200-400 calories a day. In the month leading up to my wedding I ended up dropping almost 20 pounds and actually needed my gown taken in 3 inches on each side. The sick part of all of this is was that I always had a reasonable answer to give someone when they asked me why I was losing weight. After my wedding, things had settled down again.

Now enter fertility treatments. I came off the BCP (after being on it for 14 years) mid 2009. By August I had noticed that I started gaining some weight which was at the same time that we couldn't figure out why my cycles were so screwed up. After my first loss in November, I had noticed that my waist was getting a little thick, but I wasn't too concerned as my body was overcoming a lost pregnancy. As soon as I started fertility meds my weight skyrocketed. Since my #1 priority was having a child I put myself aside and did what I had to do. This didn't become an issue for me again until my fourth loss this past January. Coupled with the devastation of losing another pregnancy, the battle to stay healthy became too much. At this point I was not pregnant, knew that it was going to be months before I could TTC again, so I said screw it and started medicating myself again. I forgot to mention earlier that I eventually ran out of the prescription for Meridia so when I went to Mexico for work, I was able to find it in the Mexican pharmacy so I stocked up on it (you don't need prescriptions there.) So needless to say, I had a ton of it so I started using it. I also had an old prescription for Concerta (a psycho-stimulant drug used to treat ADD) so I also started using that. I lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I don't remember what made me stop but I did. The one thing that I want to point out is that this was the only time during the 2 years I have been in the TTC process that I used these medications or restricted my food and I wasn't even TTC at that time and ended up taking 6 months off. I WOULD NEVER put my future baby at risk.

This is not something that I do by choice. This is not something that I have great control over. The first memory I have regarding my horrible relationship with food is when I was 12. I was sitting in Spanish class when I looked down and looked at my thighs (I was about 108lbs. at the time.) I was grossed out with what I saw so I took off my windbreaker which was tied around my waist and covered them up. From that day forward I would never wear shorts or a bathing suit again. Also, from being on Prednisone for quite some time due to severe asthma, I blew up topping off at over 200lbs during high school. Now being a Freshman and Sophomore in high school and being overweight was not easy. My breaking point is when I got pushed down a flight of stairs by another girl because she thought that I was so fat that I looked pregnant and she didn't like that. God I hated high school!! When I was 16 I ended up having major surgery on my stomach and esophagus so I was on a liquid diet for almost 2 months so the weight just melted off. After returning to school 8 weeks later, I noticed that I was being treated differently and all of the popular kids were noticing me more. So needless to say, I attributed it (at the time) to my weight loss. So that is how it all started.

After tonight I realized that I cannot do this on my own anymore. I need help. I have a poor relationship with food and I need someone to be the moderator. After talking at length with my husband we have decided that it is best if I go and see a nutritionist, sooner rather than later. The whole thing with restricting food and taking pills is how I feel in control over the situation...even though it is controlling me. I need to have control with this issue, but I want to do it by becoming conscious of what I eat. I am not looking to lose weight right now as my main priority is getting and staying pregnant, but I want to be as healthy as possible so that it will carry over into my pregnancy and beyond. I don't want my child to end up like me, and being a (almost) psychologist, I know that if my child sees my current relationship with food that it could influence how they are when they hit the "body conscious" stage in life. I want to do the right thing. I need to so the right thing.


  1. (((HUGS)) I've struggled with my weight for years, though never as badly as you describe. For me, its been a very hard road toward body acceptance, one I battle daily. I am thinking of you tonight and hoping that you find some peace, no matter what form that takes.


  2. So very sorry for your losses, and although I haven't struggled with weight my whole life like you have, fertility treatments and miscarriages have taken their toll on my body. I'm 15-20 pounds heavier than my normal weight after a year and a half of this...I wish I could either get pregnant or all this could be over with so I could lose the weight and feel normal again. It shouldn't matter so much but it does. I wouldn't care if there were an actual baby, but no baby + weight gain is doing a number on my self-esteem.
    Hugs to you...

  3. Krystyn, this post was so beautiful and vulnerable...i admire your honesty and can relate on many levels.
    when i was in my early teens i went through times each year where i would go on drastic diets, hide my lunches in my locker, throw my dinners in the trash...there were times i'd eat like a cow for two days and then eat lettuce and cucumbers the next two. times when i'd cry if my dressing wasn't put on the side at a restaurant. all to lose weight for a dance recital or musical in school. i developed much quicker than a lot of friends and felt out of place in dance class...
    i am so terribly sorry for all that you're going through and am so happy for you that you're taking positive steps. i love that you and your husband always talk it out and are so completely there for one another.
    it took until a few years ago for me to really say, "f*** it when it came to the number on the scale.
    you're not alone. <3
    i think one of the crappiest parts of rpl and infertility is all the weight and hormone/mood fluctuations that come with it...and the fact that we'd be more than happy to carry that extra weight if we had our babies.
    i'm thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers as always.
    lots of love and a big hug!!

  4. Krystyn,

    I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I went from a size 8 to a sometimes 14 during this whole TTC/RPL mess and hate how I feel about myself and my body (I used to be a two). I always felt like my body was betraying me with my losses and my weight and was really, really pissed off at myself.

    You're so strong to realize that you don't want to continue in this cycle anymore and that you're looking for ways to end all of this.

    You're also incredibly brave for opening up about your struggle. So few are able to do that.

  5. Hey hon, I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't 'know' lots and lots about anorexia, have read a few 'pro' posts on a forum I found (by accident) but understand that the 'control' part is a HUGE part of it. And this can't be helped by the lack of control we have over infertility and treatments, and thats SUCH an out-of-control feeling, I can COMPLETELY understand why someone would try and exert whatever control they have over this right now.
    Love to you, I hope you can find some balance and peace with this

  6. Like many of the other commenters, I've gained since starting this, after a year of training, running, and getting myself fit. Is it the lack of exercise, the stress/comfort eating, the meds? Who knows. It's super frustrating and my insecurities about it are not far from my thoughts at any given point in time. I think its great that you've realized that you need to do something and are pursuing it, and that is all that you can do. The nutritionist can definitely help you get a plan in place to hopefully alieviate your concerns.

    Thinking of you, hang in there!