Monday, July 4, 2011

If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Nothing At All

It is pretty sad that I am referencing a quote from a Disney movie when this post is going to be nothing but a bitch ironic! I have been struggling all weekend with this whole being in limbo thing. We know that my HCG went up, but what the hell does that mean? I absolutely refuse to sit back and let time do its thing. When I did that in January, my HCG took 11 weeks to return to normal (3 rounds of Methotrexate and a D&C later.) I POAS this morning and unfortunately I got a nice strong positive which probably means that my HCG is going up. We already know that this isn't a viable pregnancy so lets get this freaking show on the road. Why are we going to sit and watch the number trickle up?? I have decided that when I go in tomorrow morning for my Beta that I am going to ask if I can sit in the waiting room until it is processed. This way we can figure out what we are going to do. Best case scenario is that miraculously my HCG will drop over night and it will be negative tomorrow, but lets face it, we all know how my luck goes. I am assuming that it will probably be somewhere between 30 and 50. I am worried that if it is, they will make me wait as it is yet another "appropriate" rise. Just because it is appropriate doesn't change the fact that this pregnancy is over. What are we going to do, wait 5 weeks and watch it go up to 1500 so we can confirm that there is nothing there?? I don't think so! I am going to beg them tomorrow (if my HCG warrents it) to be given Misoprostol so we can get this show on the road. I just really need this to be over. I just realized today that since the first of the year, I have spent exactly 6 months just waiting...waiting for my HCG to come down, waiting for the septum resection, waiting to heal, waiting for my pregnancy test, and now, waiting for my HCG to return to normal...again! I am done waiting!

Over the past few days I have realized that I have turned sour. Any bit of "positiveness" I had about this whole infertility journey is gone. I am finding myself needing to step away from those that are currently going through the IVF or IUI process. I honestly do not have anything positive to contribute. There is nothing positive about doing this. After going through what I have gone through, how am I supposed to be positive? There will be no more "this is your month" or "I feel so good about this cycle." I am done with that bullshit! I know that those who haven't been through what I have can't even begin to understand what its like, and there aren't that many that I personally know of (actually none.)

In two weeks it will be our 2 year anniversary (if you want to call it that) of starting this nightmare. Here it is, July 2011 and I am still childless and going through yet another failed pregnancy. After 5 failed pregnancies I am starting to believe that this is never going to happen for me. My own RE is even saying that it may take years and more miscarriages...if it ever happens. I sometimes wish that I was on the other side where I never had a positive test and all I had were BFNs. I absolutely hate when people say "well, at least you know you can get pregnant." Yeah, that's great. I can get pregnant but my body kills it every time. Yeah, that is so much better! Getting pregnant to only have the hope and happiness ripped away from you time and time again is so much better isn't it?

1 comment:

  1. Oh hon I'm so sorry! I've been at it a year with three losses and I'm already right there with you! I completely agree with you - getting pregnant is certainly not the same as STAYING pregnant, and the waits in between are definitely the hardest. Sending you huge hugs!