Thursday, July 21, 2011

Happy F**king Anniversary!

Today is officially two years since this nightmare began. Just to recap, this is what has happened over the past 2 years:
  • 5 losses
  • 3 IUIs 
  • 2 IVFs (not to mention the months we tried on our own)
  • bladder failure with catheterization
  • 3 D&Cs 
  • 4 rounds of Methotrexate 
  • 29 weeks worth of waiting for my HCG to return to negative after losses 
  • 3 hysteroscopies 
  • 1 septum resection 
  • removal of 3 polyps 
  • 1 SHG 
  • 1 HSG 
  • 2 hospitalizations
Excuse me while I go slit my wrists.

I can't believe that it has been so long. I can't believe that I have done all of this work and I am still right where I started. There are days when all I want to do is cry and there are days when this sadness and anger is fuel for my journey. The worst part about all of this is never knowing if I will ever be a mom. I wish that I had a crystal ball that could tell me if it will ever happen. If I know that one day, if I stay at this, that I will have a baby, I could keep going forever. Unfortunately, life does not work this way. I also realize that there are no guarantees in life. I have had 5 pregnancies, two of which have had great betas, great heartbeats, and everything seemed like it was going so well. Well it wasn't. Sometimes I just wish that I could still do IVF but then not have my HCG levels checked or any ultrasounds until around 10 weeks...just use an HPT like the rest of society does. I think that all of these appointments make the process worse because if things are not "perfect" we agonize about it until our next blood draw or ultrasound. People don't understand why I get upset when they tell me that I am "lucky" that I get to be followed so closely when I get pregnant. I don't consider myself lucky at all. I would give my left kidney to be able to just get pregnant naturally, take a HPT because AF is late, and then go in for my first OB appointment at 8 or 10 weeks. That would freak me out at this point as I know all of the things that can go wrong, but to have that innocence back would be great. 

Today was a day filled with drama. Apparently my RE and the head RE do not agree on the use of Neupogen and the Nitro patch. My RE is fearful that something might happen to me as there is not a lot of research regarding the long term use of Neupogen. In a very long email that I received tonight, my RE indicated that he was worried about things such as leukemia, melanoma, and cancer with the use of Neupogen in someone who is healthy.  He is also very fearful about the effects that the Nitro patch will have on me since I obviously have no heart conditions that require it. This is all experimental. My RE has informed me that he will have no part in the use of the Neupogen or the Nitro patch but the head RE said he will. Well, the Neupogen isn't even an issue anymore as my insurance will not cover it, and I cannot afford it out of pocket. I am still up in the air about the Nitro patch. I want to wait until I start stims as I don't want to use a medication that I don't need. If my lining does fine, then I want to leave well enough alone.

Tonight I started my Lupron. I also found out that my RE only wants me to do 10 days of BCP, not 14 so that is going to shorten things a bit. Since the nurse manager said to do 14 days of BCP originally, I may just split the difference and take it for 12 days...I just want to avoid having any cysts, something that I am notorious for.  I am praying that I will not have any cysts at baseline given that I had 17 eggs retrieved. If I do I can only continue the Lupron for a max of 14 days (and that is even pushing it) until we would cancel this cycle. When I went in on the 7th, prior to me bleeding, I had a bunch of "cysts" on each ovary. These were left over from where the eggs were aspirated from the follicles. They do go away on their own but could take up to 2 months. I have had them pretty much after every cycle but going on a pack of BCP always got rid of them. On a positive note, my medication delivery is confirmed for Saturday morning. I had to set it up for the weekend as apparently my insurance is refusing to pay for the medication unless it is signed for due to it's value. Since I work during the day and I am not home, I had to make special arrangements for it to be delivered over the weekend. They were not thrilled with this but oh well, as me if I care!


  1. Good luck, Krystyn. I'm just starting my infertility journey following a loss in December. I'm in awe of women who like you have been on this roller coaster for much longer. I look forward to following your journey.

  2. Fucking Acccckkkkk!!!! Sadly I'm right there with you-could have written this same crap ass post :(
    Just ugh.
    I'm fed up for you!
    Beyond that, sadly I know there are simply no words to help!

  3. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Good luck with your next cycle!

  4. I'm really glad I found your blog through ICLW.

    The list of what you endured is daunting and I'm sure looking at it like that is difficult. Like, holy shit, all that really happened, didn't it? (Hope you don't mind my swearing)

    You went on to say though that sometimes your anger is the fuel for your journey...that shows your strength and your resolve. I'm keeping everything crossed for you that you stay free of cysts so that you can move forward.

  5. Happy ICLW! I hear you when you say you wish you had a crystal ball. IT would make the journey so much easier.

  6. You have been through so much, and it just isn't fair that the roadblocks keep on coming. Hoping that things open up for you in a big way!