Friday, July 29, 2011

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Day 10 of injections. I thought that once I stopped the Lupron and started the Ganirelix that my headache would go away...I was sadly mistaken. I think that this is the worst headache I have ever had. I am really hoping that it goes away before I start the Terbutaline as I can't imagine this headache being any worse.

The only other thing that I have noticed, and this is a biggie, is that my weight has jumped considerably in the last few days. I'm not sure what is causing it, but whatever it is, it sucks! After breakdown #297 this week regarding my weight, my husband went to Target to buy me a storage bin so I can get everything out of my closet that doesn't fit. He bought me a 34 gallon storage bin and I was only able to fit half of my clothes in there...that is pathetic. As I was putting away the stuff, I was sickened by the size of my clothes. I actually found a bunch of pants and a few skirts that were sizes 2 and 4. Just for the hell of it I grabbed a pair of my size 6 pants and tried to put them on. I couldn't even get them much past my knees. At this point I am sobbing uncontrollably as I am really struggling with this. I can honestly say that if I wasn't in the process of an IVF cycle, this would have been the point when I would have went to my nightstand drawer and grabbed my Meridia or Concerta. I don't think that I explained this before but these drugs completely take away your appetite. I am able to go 3 full days without eating anything when I take these, which I realize is COMPLETELY stupid. I am fighting with everything I have to maintain a healthy diet and I have to say that I am doing pretty well. I just keep reminding myself of why I need to stay healthy. The hardest part about all of this is people obviously notice that I am putting on weight but I can't explain to them why. What am I supposed to say? "I have been pregnant 5 times in the last 19 months and I am also shooting up with the same hormones that are used to beef up cows before they are slaughtered." Awkward! I have been avoiding going out to places my husband I used to go to when I was thinner. I figure that if I go to places where people don't know me, they will just assume that I have always been this fat. If I was pregnant I wouldn't care as much.

I called and made an appointment with a nutritionist only to find out that my insurance will only cover it if you have diabetes. Really? So someone who has a history of a relapsing eating disorder who is trying to do the right thing because they are trying to have a baby can't see a nutritionist?? That is the most absurd thing that I have ever heard of. After talking about it, my husband and I decided that this is still something that I need to do so we are going to contact our local medical center (where I will be delivering...if I ever have a baby) to get a recommendation for a nutritionist who specializes in maternal nutrition. I want someone who will tell me what is best for my baby because that is what I care about right now. I don't want to go to some granola-eating, croc wearing tree hugger that tells me to eat nothing but trail mix and quinoa. I want someone who will teach me what proper nutrition is. I don't just want to be healthy now, I what to make this a permanent thing.

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Body acceptance is hard, something I fight with every single time I look in the mirror.

    I will never judge you for having your feelings, but I do wish you peace. A nutritionist seems like a good place to start. I hope that he/she can help you feel good about being healthy, no matter what the number on the scale (or the tag in your jeans) says.

    (One suggestion: have you thought about cutting out the tags in your clothes? I find it helps my self-esteem tremendously if I'm not reminded of how big I've gotten each and every time I get dressed. )

    Much love,
    Jo

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  2. This sounds like such a hard place to be in right now - proverbial rock and a hard place. Nutritionist sounds like a great idea, at least to just have the right yardstick and maybe a minimal-maximum calorific spectrum in order to keep a good babycarrier environment that works for you too.
    Insurance sounds fucked up.
    I've been looking into nutrition lately, and all the crock-eating and granola wearing shit, its such a fucking mindfield.

    (((loves))))

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