Sunday, July 17, 2011

Anxiety, How I Missed You...NOT!!!

I knew that sooner or later my excitement about starting this cycle would become complicated by anxiety...and it has. The first thing that freaked me out a bit was the fact that I forgot about the Lupron shortage. I received a call from this "compound" pharmacy yesterday, wanting to setup payment and shipping for my "Lupron." The cost was 3 times what I normally pay for it so I asked them why. They said that my insurance does not cover "compounded" medications like they do brand medications. When I asked them to elaborate on how Lupron was compounded they said that "well, we as a pharmacy have figured out what the raw ingredients are in Lupron and we are able to make it here." Umm, what? This is not a science project and I am not going to be your lab rat. I immediately called my local pharmacy and they told me that they have one box in stock. Since I am the only patient that they have on it they are holding it for me. Since Lupron is used for the ever so important process of "down-regulation" I am not willing to take a chance using a medication dreamed up by some pharmacist who may not know their ass from a whole in the ground. If some naive first time IVFer wants to take that chance, that is up to them. I will be calling that "pharmacy" first thing in the morning to cancel my order then I will call my clinic and have them phone in a new script.

I am also starting to worry about the whole "husband needing to give me shots" thing. With this cycle not only will he have to give the PIO injections everyday after ET for 10 weeks, but he is also going to have to give me E2V injections every three days starting in roughly 2 weeks. These injections are timed and have to be given within 30 minutes of the time you picked to give the first one. So if I do them at 9pm the first night, they have to be given between 8:45 and 9:15 from there on out. Now I have to worry about my husband's work schedule, making sure he is home every night that I need him. I am also starting to accept that my trip to Barcelona in September for work is probably not going to happen. I become so anxious when I think about traveling with refrigerated medication, not to mention doing the time conversion for my injections and figuring how in hell I am going to give myself shots in my ass. I can totally handle the ones in my stomach, those are a piece of cake, but the ones in the ass I just simply can't do. I have yet to mention to my doctor that I am traveling out of the country as I know that he will forbid me to go and I am not ready to deal with the drama from work about not being able to go. My boss is very wishy-washy when it comes to me doing infertility treatments and I have had no choice but to tell him as I need to take time off when I do them. He has said some pretty hurtful things to me about my losses and the fact that I do IVF and I actually get sick when I have to tell him something that relates to work and the need to use vacation time as I am never sure how he is going to react...it creates the worst anxiety ever. He actually tells me that I should just move on to adoption and give up on having my own child (just in different words) so I know that he is not supportive like I would like but what can I do? I think the worst thing that he has ever said to me is when I told him last July that I was pregnant (for the 3rd time) and he asked me what the chances were that this pregnancy would make it. I held it together in front of him but went home and cried all night afterwards. I wish people would understand that I did not choose this "route" in life. I would give anything to be able to just "have" a baby. The most important thing in my life right now is doing what I have to in order to start a family. Don't get me wrong, I am very appreciative for the job that I have and I put in full effort and strive to do my best, but it is not the most important thing in the world. Is it wrong to think like that?

3 comments:

  1. It's amazing in this day and age there would be a lupron shortage; although I do have girlfriends taking it for endometriosis and PCOS, but still. My Insurance doesn't cover compounding either; fortunately I only had to have my testosterone gel compounded, but it was still waaaaaay more than what I paid for the patches that were covered.

    As for the IM shots...don't panic too much, and I say this honestly. I was FREAKING OUT about having to take them at all (I'm just doing PIO) never mind Rob giving them to me.Not sure if this is permissible with EV2 but for PIO I've been numbing the spot with and Ice pack and it works remarkably for the pain/discomfort. I then warm it back up with a heating pad, but the only thing I feel is the discomfort from the PIO-it's not a sting, its just a dull ache, and I do feel it throughout the day as well.

    As for your ass of a boss, I would have each and every further conversation regarding any and all treatments, time off, etc in the presence of HR. Seriously, what an ass.

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  2. Thanks so much for the comment! I have done PIO with my last 2 cycles and I have gotten through those okay...I absolutely swear by my heating pad, before and after the injections! I just worry about my husband not being home as his schedule can be so unpredictable. I wish that fertility treatments were considered "mainstream" medicine so that employers were more accepting of them. I work for a very large corporation that is based out of a different country so I work a lot from my home office and I am also on the road quite a bit as well. The one good thing is that I can keep most aspects of this quiet as I do not have anyone breathing down my neck. It is just the dumb comments, due to a lack of knowledge about this process, that are hard to handle.

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  3. Your boss is a dick. End of.
    A job is a job, if you are giving 110% if your work and still not happy, something isn't right. but I know this modern age demands mainly full-time work, and I sound idealistic there, especially reading your more recent post.
    I'm sorry your insurance are dicking around too. I can't believe they don't agree coverage before the cycle starts? Thats a shitload of money to conjure up if the insurers computer says "nah"

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