Saturday, June 25, 2011

Why The Hell Am I Doing This To Myself???

I decided to start POAS on Friday which would be 4 days past (4dp) my transfer. I obviously know that is way too early to get a positive but my intent for doing this was to see how early I could get a positive...if I did get one. Well let me just say that this little experiment of mine has turned into a complete mind fuck. I used a Clearblue Easy test yesterday morning which has an approximate sensitivity of 25mIU/ml so I pretty much knew that, unless I was pregnant with more than one and we only put one back so that isn't even possible, that it would be negative. Later in the day I had this genius idea (note the sarcasm) to go out and buy 2 packs of First Response Early Result tests which have a sensitivity of 12.5mIU/ml (some studies state 6.3mIU/ml.) I decided to pee on one of those last night and that was negative...no big deal. **Since I put back a morula on Day5, not a blastocyst, I already know that it is about 12 hours behind so I can't go by the testing time for someone who put back a hatching blastocyst**

Last night I started reading the insert for the First Response tests and there in big letters it said "one study showed positive results for 68% of the samples by 6 days before a missed period." Okay, technically yesterday was 6 days before so I am starting to freak out a little bit. I then continued reading and it said "In this study, all samples from pregnant women tested positive by 4 days before the missed period." Reading that raised my anxiety level to about a 10. This morning I woke up at 5:30am and went to the bathroom but totally forgot to POAS. I made myself go back to bed for a few hours so I could "re-build up" my pee reserves and POAS again. I got back up around 8:30, peed, and then prayed. Sure enough the piece of shit was still stark white. Today I am 5dp5dt or 10dpo.

I keep trying to tell myself that it is too early or that my urine wasn't concentrated enough (despite the fact the insert says that you do not have to use first morning urine) but my hope is starting to dwindle. The fact that we know that there is a chromosomally normal embryo in there is making this all very hard to swallow. Whenever I got a BFN, which wasn't too often, I would always rationalize it by saying "well, apparently there wasn't a healthy egg this month and this is God's way of taking care of things." I can't even use that excuse now. The only things that I can think of is how unlucky I am (that is the freaking understatement of the year) or that God hates me (that is more like it!) The fact of the matter is, if this doesn't work, I think my journey is over. How many times can I keep shelling out 12k in cash to end up with nothing? If I had an endless supply of money I would do this over and over again until I ended up with my baby. I can't afford to do both IVF and CGH again...and I would NEVER dream of doing IVF without CGH after the results that I got. The fact that I would have 100% had another miscarriage if we put back embryos based solely on appearance scares that shit out of me. I never want to be in that position again. After 4 losses, I don't think that I have the strength to get past another one. If they weren't consecutive losses it would be a bit easier, but the fact that I have no children and that I lose every pregnancy I have, I am completely devastated. I understand that any loss is difficult but it pisses me off when a woman who has had a loss or two or even three but has had a healthy child in between tries to compare her situation with mine. I had a PA at my doctors office, after my third loss, tell me that she knows exactly how I feel because she has lost 5 pregnancies. I was very sad for her (as NO ONE should ever have to experience that kind of loss) but then she told me that she had a few kids in between...how is that the same you stupid bitch! Still very sad but not the same. At least she knows that it is even possible for her to have a child...I don't!!

As I sit here and read what I am writing I realize that I better wrap this up. My head is not in a good place. The part the freaks me out the most is the only time I have ever seen a BFN is when it was just that. Every time I have been pregnant it has always been positive as soon as I tested. What the hell is wrong with me??

4 comments:

  1. Oh oh oh...try your hardest NOT to pee on anything in the 2WW! It really really messes with you...I learned the hard way last cycle! I told myself I'd never pee on anything again!! It's too early at this point, honey! Hang in there...wait for that beta, please....xoxo!

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  2. ICLW

    I don't get the POAS thing that much, although I always want to know, like yesterday, which kinda equates to the same thing, doesn't it? hmmmm

    and yes, while I accept miscarriage can be hard and horrible for ANY woman, its a special brand of hurtiness when you're not sure if you can actually ever have just ONE live baby after consuckutive (thats actually a typo but I thought it fits, and added the 'K') losses.

    All the best for getting to where you want/need to be

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  3. oof. I hate days like this where you just go down the road of total mind fuck. I hope you have been able to relax a little and let some of this anxiety go. It's so early in the cycle. Those statistics on the pamphlet could mean absolutely nothing. *hug* hang in there hon.

    ICLW #80

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  4. Ooo krystyn I'm sorry you're having a bad day! Those damn first responses...I too read once how hcg can be detected as low as 6 and I do the same as u and think there has to be @ least 6 in there by now...my last 2 it look till 2 days before af was due and I went from negative to hcg of 30 next day so don't give up hope yet :) .I was thinking ab u earlier, wondering if you had any results. I'm thinking so positive for u...
    Xo
    Maria

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