Sunday, June 26, 2011

Life Isn't Fair

Today is officially 6dp5dt and the FRER that is supposed to detect levels as low as 6 is still negative. According to the insert, 100% of women in their study tested positive by this day. My heart is telling me that it is over, and my heart has never been wrong...even with the miscarriages, I always knew something wasn't right before I was even told that there was. When I did my vaginal medications this morning I noticed that my cervix was softening and that it seemed a bit lower and also more open than closed. This generally means that AF is right around the corner. I have cramps like she is coming, that is for sure! I generally get AF despite being on massive amounts of progesterone but I haven't had to deal with a failed cycle with the PIO injections so I am not sure if they are strong enought to prevent it. At one point I was on Prometrium 3xday and Crinone 2xday and AF came anyway. In most women this will prevent AF...I guess my body just has a mind of its own.

I am both numb and angry at the same time. I ended up crying all day yesterday and a bit this morning. I am slowly coming to terms with what is going on. (Although, the next person that tells me to stay hopeful is going to get punched in the face!) This cycle totally proved that all of the hope and positiveness in the world can't make a cycle work. I felt so good going into this and I just felt that there was no way that it wouldn't work as we were putting in a perfect embryo. Even the cycle was going well. I had a ton of eggs retrieved, my lining was the thickest it has ever been (according to the measurements although there is a small part of me that doesn't quite believe them), and my levels were perfect. In the IVF world, you don't need hope and positiveness, you need a miracle. The more attached to the cycle you become and to the idea of getting pregnant, the harder you fall when it doesn't work, and more often than not, it doesn't work. Even though I was hopeful for this cycle and I expected it to work, I stayed grounded enough to realize that there are no guarantees and that the chances of a cycle not working are greater then the chances of it working. If you think about it, it is a miracle that anyone is able to get pregnant as the stars have to line up just perfectly.

I am not sure where my husband and I are going from here. We have a lot to talk about, both as a couple and with our doctors. I know that there is a miniscule chance (like less than a 1% chance) that this could still work out (especially if I was a REALLY late implanter) but I would appreciate if people would not tell me to stay hopeful or that it's too early. I definitely appreciated it prior to this but now I need to be realistic...this is how I cope. I do appreciate all of the support and I am thankful for every one of you. I would recommend for anyone that is going to be testing soon or in the future to avoid the First Response 6 Day tests. No, my outcome would not have been any different if I didn't use them, but I would not have been so stressed and miserable for the past 3 days. I am grateful that I know the verdict prior to my Beta as that phone call is so painful to get, especially when you still had hope. 

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you have such a rough time. I too have these tests at home.. now I don't know when to test. Tricky.

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  2. Stopping by from ICLW...so sorry!

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  3. My heart is breaking for you and I wish I could take the pain away. If there is anything at all I can do know that I am here for you. Even if you want someone to yell at or hit(just not in my pretty). I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love. I hope after you take time to heal that you and DH are able to talk and figure out what move is best next. I'll keep you in my prayers~

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  4. i'm so very sorry krystyn.
    thinking of you
    <3

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