Wednesday, June 29, 2011

How Much More Can I Take??

Today was my Beta and since I had a stark white result on one of those super sensitive tests last night, I confirmed that it was over. A peace came over me as I could move on. Nothing could have been further from the truth!! After having a phone consultation to discuss my next protocol with the "head" RE today, I went in for my Beta and I discussed my new meds with the nurses. I was actually worried as I was planning on jumping right back into this and I wanted to make sure I would have them in time. Around 11:30 my phone rang and it was my clinic. I was excited as they said that they were going to call me after they confirmed all of my new meds with the RE. The person that called me is the same one who always discovered the missing heartbeats, so we have a bit of a connection. When I answered the phone all she said is "Krystyn, it's positive." I don't think that I said anything. She said that my HCG was 7.8 and my progesterone was 17. Clinically, anything over a 5 is considered positive but we all know that anything that low is going to end up being a chemical pregnancy. I now have to go back on Friday to see what my HCG levels are doing.

I am so upset right now. Why couldn't it just have been negative so I could just move on?? Now I have to wait until Friday morning to see what this is going to do. With any luck, my HCG will drop off and I will be able to start again. With MY luck, my HCG will increase over the next week and then it will take another f--king month for it to come down. So I can now officially say that I have had 5 pregnancies and not a single child to show for it! Lucky me! The other side of this is what it implies. We know that the embryo was chromosomally normal and we now know that it continued to develop after being put back into my uterus, but it failed at the implantation level. Implantation issues cannot be fixed, supported, but not fixed. There is no magical cure. I have been worried about this all along and this is one thing that I discussed with the head RE today. After freaking me out by talking about a gestational carrier, he talked about other drugs we can try to help with my lining. He mentioned a drug called Neupogen which is given to cancer patients that are undergoing chemotherapy or are getting ready for a bone marrow transplant. It is a once daily injection that has shown to improve endometrial linings and increase egg quality. It is all experimental but at this point, experimentation is all we have left. He said it costs about $400 a day and needing about 2 weeks worth is going to break the bank as I am not sure if we can con the insurance company into covering it. As it is, I am trying to figure out a way to pay for IVF and CGH again.

I am also meeting with my RE on Friday to discuss everything. Initially, the meeting was going to be to finalize our game plan for this next cycle, but now I am sure it is going to turn into a "will this ever work for me" meeting. So many things have been thrown at me over the past few month that my head is spinning. The idea of a gestational carrier keeps coming up but since I don't really have a family, and I have no friends that would do this for me, that isn't an option as surrogacy for profit is illegal in NY. If I did have someone that would do this for me we would still have to do CGH as I have very few quality eggs left. The other things that were brought up were donor eggs or embryo adoption. I know donor eggs are out because I don't have the money for it since everything has been out of pocket so far. The other option would be embryo adoption. Again, the money thing is a factor so I would have to find someone to "donate" their embryos to me and currently my clinic has none. I asked if I could stand out in front of my clinic with a tin can and ask other patients but they didn't seem too keen on that idea. I don't think that there are too many people that would be willing to give their embryos away.


  1. Oh Krystyn- I am so sorry about all of this. It almost hurts worse to get that low positive beta, then to get no beta at all because then you know you could move on right away. But, since there is still a still have to continue the meds and still what happens. It puts you in that weird inbetween place that no one likes to be. We just want to way or the other so that we can accept it and then move on...whatever that means to us...another cycle or a pregnancy.
    Well, I know how you feel, even if I don't have advice. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the very best!!

  2. I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this; I completely get your reaction, believe me, especially after having the nupogen discussion and such. I don't have any advice either (haven't ever had anything remotely resembling a positive beta, but was told that my egg from IVF didn't fertilized, then told it did, then told it didn't grow), but I am thinking of you and hoping that this works out soon, and for the best.

  3. Krystyn, I'm here for you and willing to help in anyway I can. I'm so sorry you are being forced to deal with all this heartache and pain.. I believe in my heart that you are meant to be a mother and you will be one way or another. I'm sending all my prayers and thoughts your way. Hugs!

  4. ugh i am so terribly sorry...
    i hope you get answers very soon!

  5. Krystyn,

    I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and am always here to help in whatever way I can.

  6. Thanks so much for the support ladies! This journey is truly a test of my strength. I feel like I can keep going but I just need someone to tell me that I am going to end up with what I am working towards. I am so afraid that it is never going to happen and that scares me to death! When do you say "it wasn't meant to be?"