Monday, May 23, 2011

Tomorrow is D-Day!



All night I couldn't stop thinking about my HSG. Tomorrow makes the determination of what my immediate future holds. I do understand that if I am told that I need more surgery that it is not the end of the world and I do want to do the right thing, however, the news will be quite devastating to say the least. I am so psyched to start the process again. I have done so much waiting over the past 2 years and I am sick of it. I truly believe that a person can only take so much of this "fertility crap" until they throw their hands up and surrender! At some point you reach a crossroad. One path leads you to anxiety, stress, heartache, loss of identity but it could eventually take you to your ultimate destination, parenthood. The other path is calm, serene, relaxed, fun, however, you never quite get to where you wanted to go. At some point, a person realizes that the road to parenthood is too bumpy and they can't quite handle the road anymore.  I am afraid that I am getting close to that point. At what point do I surrender? When is it time to say enough is enough and just focus on my marriage?

I cannot ask someone who has not been through the fertility process to understand what I am feeling. Most people see me as a healthy thirty-something that has plenty of time to start a family. That is not the case! These past two years have literally been hell. I have put my entire life on hold to start a family. I have given up my identity, who I used to be, what I used to enjoy. Surviving this process is not as simple as "going with the flow." You can't just say "whatever happens, happens!" This process involves much time and careful planning. In order to start an IVF cycle, your entire schedule has to be completely clear for the entire month. Since I work in a couple different states, it is absolutely impossible for me to do a cycle without some kind of advanced notice. For this IVF in June (hopefully), I've had to completely reschedule and put off meetings for almost the entire month and in order to do this I've had to get clearance from my boss. Since it is already the end of May it is too late to reschedule these meetings if things don't work out tomorrow. If I find out that I can't proceed with IVF I am going to have to anticipate another month of a clearing my schedule and somehow justify my productivity for the month of June. If I had the luxury of just doing a cycle whenever I wanted I would, but this is not reality. I am the primary supporter of my household and I am responsible for making sure there is a roof over our heads and food on our table. I have already planned on taking 6 months off for the end of pregnancy and birth of my child so I can't expect to take time off now without losing my job.

I really wish that sometimes people would keep their comments to themselves. Like I said, I understand that someone who hasn't been in this position before can't understand what it is like, but I wish that they would understand the same!

2 comments:

  1. Hello from ICLW. I hope that things go well tomorrow and your June IVF cycle is a go.

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  2. hi krystyn...i stumbled upon your blog tonight and joined a follwer. i am definitely looking forward to following in your journey. i couldn't agree more, that most of the time, with fertility issues, it isn't "o, just let it happen"...you can't truly understand till you take a walk in someone's shoes...much luck with your hsg!! you can find me @ www.everydayisacountrysong.blogspot.com my blog about our journey ttc our first w/having 5 miscarriages in a row...currently trying a 6th time.
    lots of luck! :)

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