Sunday, May 15, 2011

There's No Need to Fear, Anxiety Girl is Here!

Up until this evening I have been doing pretty well about managing my stress around this upcoming cycle. I have my notebook full of possible timelines based on every possible glitch I may hit. I knew this afternoon, when I got this notebook out and started manipulating my medication regime, that I was starting to go downhill. I realized that if I stick 100% to the original plan that it is likely that my CGH biopsy will fall on either Sunday July 3rd or Monday July 4th. I remember being told that if it falls on a Sunday, since my clinic isn't open, that they would have an Embryologist come in just for the biopsy. But what if the one that does the biopsies is on vacation? What if it falls on the 4th and they can't get anyone to come in? What if everything gets screwed up and my ER falls on one of those days? After realizing that I am now in the midst of a complete anxiety attack, I decided to email the nurse manager of my clinic, yes on a Sunday, to ask her how this would work. (I would just like to say that she deserves sainthood after dealing with me!) I felt much better after emailing her as I know that she will respond with an answer that will calm me down and assure me that everything will be okay.

After that episode my husband and I ran out to check his work schedule for tomorrow. Monday was the only day this week that he was supposed to be working. After checking the schedule, he informed me that his boss has him scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday as well. His boss has a tendency to put him on the schedule without even telling him. Since I live and breathe for routines, this does not jive with me. I immediately turned this into "Now what? What is going to happen when we start another IVF? How am I supposed to plan things? What happens if he schedules you and we don't find out until the day before my ER and you can't be there?" At this point I am crying and hyperventilating and my husband is looking at me as though my head was going to start spinning. All I could think about was having to juggle more things than I could handle. So to put things into perspective I made a list of everything that I have to worry about between now and my Beta:
  1. The Provera doesn't work and AF doesn't show
  2. The HSG/SHG shows that the septum is not gone meaning that I need more surgery, imposing another 2 month delay
  3. Because I am a creature of habit, AF decides to override the BCP (like it did last time) and I get AF early throwing my timing off
  4. Not realizing that AF has arrived because she is lighter than usual causing me to miss my chance to start stims completely
  5. Having a cyst which would cancel my cycle completely
  6. Not responding to stims
  7. Not developing enough eggs to have IVF
  8. My eggs not fertilizing
  9. Not having enough embryos for CGH
  10. My embryos not making it to blasts
  11. My lining not thickening enough
  12. Implantation failure
  13. BFN!
Sitting here looking at this list, I can say that, realistically, there is not one thing on it that I have any control over. This is what makes infertility so hard. The minute you start with IUIs or IVFs, you give up all control. For a control freak like me, this is not easy. This is something that I have struggled with since day one. Even with the losses, I had no control. Sometimes I feel like a sea monkey (remember those from the 80's?) Think about have these little tiny "things" swimming around in their own little universe completely oblivious to what is going on outside of their little sea monkey world. All they know is that there is this greater power (a human) that replenishes their water as it evaporates and provides their food supply. They are at the complete mercy of this human and have no control over what this human does, or doesn't do, to their little sea monkey world. This is how this journey feels to me. I am at the mercy of a "greater power". So there you have it. I am nothing more than a fertility monkey at the mercy of the reproductive Gods!


  1. LOL!!! Your sea monkey analogy is BRILLLIANT! Although, I must say, you are much more fashionable than any sea monkkey I've ever met. And, who's to say those little creatures aren't floating around in their aquatic home making lists about when we will change their water, feed them or what they will do if their tank gets shaken. You are fabulous and you are going into this cycle trying things you've never tried, armed with knowledge you didn't have before and having had at least the major hold-up fixed. If your faith is ever waivering, I have faith in your upcoming cycle...enough for both of us...even if the timing isn't completely worry-free.

  2. Thanks for the compliment! Sometimes, as you know, it is so hard to just let go. I am sure that I am going to try to have as much control as I can, but in the end, it is truly out of my hands.