Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Something hit me today, and it hit like a bag of bricks. Over the past year or so my OCD behavior as intensified. It has become so much worse that I sit for an hour at a time, two days a week, in therapy to try to overcome these behaviors...and to apparently get in touch with emotions that I have ignored my entire life, but that is another story for another time. When I was sitting having coffee today with one of my "Fertile Friends," (I hate that label!) I realized that these behaviors have intensified since I have going through these loses. I have been aware that they have become worse over the past couple of years but I never made that connection, or maybe it was because I didn't WANT to make that connection. I have had a really difficult time my entire life opening up to people and talking about my feelings and emotions, hence the "Professional Therapy Client" title that I have earned over the years. So today I went out on a limb and I tried talking a bit about how these behaviors came to be so bad. I started remembering how the first loss was a very new experience for me and I was naturally devastated. I somehow recovered quite quickly and jumped back into the world of TTC. When I got pregnant unexpectedly the second time, never in a million years did I ever think that it would happen again. I started telling my friend about what went through my mind the moment I looked at the ultrasound and realized that the heart was no longer beating. I remember grabbing the pillow that my head was resting on and pressing it over my face as I let out this ferocious scream. Since this was my last ultrasound before being discharged from CNY to my regualr OB, my husband was not with me. The nurse recognizing that I was not okay, called my husband to come get me. I really didn't say much. I just remember them telling me to come back in the morning for a D&C. I don't remember much between that and the next morning, but I remember not sleeping at all the night. All I kept telling myself is that they were wrong and that everything was okay. I actually called CNY as soon as they opened in the morning and told them that I wasn't coming in for the D&C because they were wrong. I was convinced that if I had another ultrasound that everything would be okay. I called my primary care doctor and asked him to please order an ultrasound. When I started sobbing uncontrollably on the phone is when he finally said to come right in. Needless to say, I was wrong. The ultrasound tech came in, started looking around on the screen and said "I am sorry, your baby no longer has a heartbeat." This feeling of failure suddenly came over me. God had given me this precious gift and I wasn't able to protect it. I failed as a mother.

As a child, I learned how to protect myself at a young age and that eventually turned into an obsession to protect everything in my life that was important. I have developed rituals that I truly believe help keep bad things from happening. This experience was the first time in my life that I was not able to have some control over what happened. In a way, I was angry that I could not attribute anything that I did to what happened. At least if I could do that, I could prevent it from ever happening again. Since starting this entire journey, I have been forced to give up all control, something that is very difficult for me. I am very vulnerable and I don't like it. Learning how to give up control is one of the greatest challenges I will ever face in life. I am just hoping that one day, I can overcome this fear.

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