Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Question of the Year

As some of you already know, I underwent a uterine septum resection back on the 28th. It was found during a routine hysteroscopy that my RE decided to do to ensure that I didn't have any polyps or fibroids. He also wanted to check the condition of my lining as I have a chronic problem with it being thin. So after nearly two years of hell, and four miscarriages, we finally figure out that I have a septate uterus. Many people are asking me "Aren't you mad?" or "What are you going to do about this?" Every time I am asked that question, I freeze. I really don't know what to say. Should I be mad that the last 22 months have been a complete waste? Should I be mad that I have put my body through hell, injecting myself with viscous hormones and other drugs time and time again, without the possibility of a successful pregnancy? Should I be mad that I have had four very precious, miraculous gifts taken away from me when all of this could have been prevented? Sitting here, looking at those questions I just wrote, I can't help but cry. I can feel this burning sensation resonating thorough my entire body, as if I were on fire. However, I am quickly overcome by complete sadness for myself, my husband, and what we have lost.

After being in and out of therapy for the last 19 years, yes 19, I am finally starting to allow myself to experience emotions that I have never felt before. I have become quite good at letting myself feel sadness, however, letting myself feel anger has always been difficult. Today was different though. As I was going through a stack of papers that have been residing on my nightstand for the past eight or so months, I came across a stack of adoption information. Before going into my last IVF cycle, my husband and I met with two adoption agencies so I would know that we had other options if the IVF didn't work. Looking at this stuff made me remember the feeling of hopelessness I felt going to these agencies, knowing that my dream of creating my own child may never happen. My anger starts to set in. Knowing that if time and care would have been taken when I had the SHG this past fall, this recent tragedy could have been prevented. I even had a pelvic MRI in March of last year when I was hospitalized for nearly two weeks as I was experiencing horrible abdominal pain with my second pregnancy. How could they have not seen this?

So to answer everyone's question, yes, I am angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular, just at the whole situation. I am allowing myself to feel this anger as it is the only way I will be able to move on and move forward with our next cycle of IVF.

I can grieve my losses, cry tears of sadness, and even become enraged with anger, yet nothing I do can turn back the hands of time and take it all away. I am going to allow myself to feel the way I want to feel, then take all of that energy and put it into making my next cycle the best one yet.

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful blog and a beautiful post. You have such an amazing, healthy attitude. So glad to be sharing in this journey with you. May the rest of your journey to "happily ever after" be VERY short.