Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Perpetual Black Cloud


I don't even know what to say today. I am completely numb. This morning I went in for my HSG feeling pretty good. The nurse came in and put in the catheter for my RE. When he came in I informed him that the only option he had was to tell me that the septum was gone. As he started the ultrasound I could feel the cramps from the dye injection starting. I wasn't really paying attention to this I was anticipating the news. My RE and the nurse stared at the screen and I saw their faces drop, pretty much the same look they would have when they would discover that we lost the heartbeat. My RE took a deep breath and said "well, the good news is that the septum is gone. The bad news is that you now have these three growths." I immediately started crying, thinking about how unfair this is. I think my RE was almost as upset as I was. He said that he is going to check the schedule to get me in for surgery ASAP. They are squeezing me in this Friday so that we can get a clear picture what is going on and that I don't have to torture myself longer than necessary.

Today I am filled with feelings of anger and sadness. I am not mad at anyone, obviously, I am mad at the situation. Why is it that this shit always has to happen to me? I have not been given one break since we started this journey. It angers me when people tell me to think positive and reprimand me when I don't. This is exactly why! I will no longer listen when people tell me not to be anxious. Have you had 4 losses? Have you had numerous complications after each of the losses? Did your last loss drag out over 12 weeks because it was discovered 2 months after finding an ectopic that there was also an intrauterine pregnancy as well? No? Then please, stop telling me to just relax or not to be upset because I have plenty of time to start a family. I have every right to feel this way. Please, don't judge me as you have not walked in my shoes.

4 comments:

  1. Here from ICLW.

    I am so sorry to hear all you've been through. I hope you are able to get some answers with the surgery on Friday.

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  2. Also here from ICLW and have been catching up on your story. You've had more than your share of heartache and it's so unfair. Today's news shocked me. I thought you would for sure get an all clear. I hope the growths can be removed and your recovery is fast.

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  3. I'm new to your blog and I'm sorry to hear this. Life can be so unfair. Ugh ! Please don't give up. It will happen. I know it will happen to all of us who are wanting to become a mother.
    *big hugs to you.

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  4. i'm so very sorry...sometimes people say the most thoughtless things...until anyone takes a walk in your shoes, they have no right to tell you how to feel. you can feel whatever way you wish for however long you wish. i hope however, things start to turn around for u! i know how hard it can be to pick yourself up time after time.
    wishing you strength <3
    maria

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