Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Perpetual Black Cloud

I don't even know what to say today. I am completely numb. This morning I went in for my HSG feeling pretty good. The nurse came in and put in the catheter for my RE. When he came in I informed him that the only option he had was to tell me that the septum was gone. As he started the ultrasound I could feel the cramps from the dye injection starting. I wasn't really paying attention to this I was anticipating the news. My RE and the nurse stared at the screen and I saw their faces drop, pretty much the same look they would have when they would discover that we lost the heartbeat. My RE took a deep breath and said "well, the good news is that the septum is gone. The bad news is that you now have these three growths." I immediately started crying, thinking about how unfair this is. I think my RE was almost as upset as I was. He said that he is going to check the schedule to get me in for surgery ASAP. They are squeezing me in this Friday so that we can get a clear picture what is going on and that I don't have to torture myself longer than necessary.

Today I am filled with feelings of anger and sadness. I am not mad at anyone, obviously, I am mad at the situation. Why is it that this shit always has to happen to me? I have not been given one break since we started this journey. It angers me when people tell me to think positive and reprimand me when I don't. This is exactly why! I will no longer listen when people tell me not to be anxious. Have you had 4 losses? Have you had numerous complications after each of the losses? Did your last loss drag out over 12 weeks because it was discovered 2 months after finding an ectopic that there was also an intrauterine pregnancy as well? No? Then please, stop telling me to just relax or not to be upset because I have plenty of time to start a family. I have every right to feel this way. Please, don't judge me as you have not walked in my shoes.


  1. Here from ICLW.

    I am so sorry to hear all you've been through. I hope you are able to get some answers with the surgery on Friday.

  2. Also here from ICLW and have been catching up on your story. You've had more than your share of heartache and it's so unfair. Today's news shocked me. I thought you would for sure get an all clear. I hope the growths can be removed and your recovery is fast.

  3. I'm new to your blog and I'm sorry to hear this. Life can be so unfair. Ugh ! Please don't give up. It will happen. I know it will happen to all of us who are wanting to become a mother.
    *big hugs to you.

  4. i'm so very sorry...sometimes people say the most thoughtless things...until anyone takes a walk in your shoes, they have no right to tell you how to feel. you can feel whatever way you wish for however long you wish. i hope however, things start to turn around for u! i know how hard it can be to pick yourself up time after time.
    wishing you strength <3