Thursday, May 12, 2011

Mohicans and Fairy Godmothers

I am officially the Last of the Original Mohicans. I found out today that I am now the last person from my original group not to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong I am ecstatic for them, I am just sad for me. At first, I wasn't thrilled about being part of this "group" as I was in total denial about my infertility but I have come to love these people like family. We have stuck together through the good and the bad, offering each other support. Just seeing these girls brought me great comfort as it reminded me that I was not alone in this journey. Today, however, I feel alone. I have been feeling so positive about this upcoming IVF and now I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. How many more months am I going to have to sit in the "infertility group" that I attend? I am starting to feel defeated in the sense that I am never going to be able to carry a baby. Yes, they fixed the septate uterus, but what if something else is also causing me to miscarry. I can't help but to be scared...terrified. I tried explaining my fear to my husband by using the following analogy:

Imagine if you go to turn on a light switch and you get a shock. You figure it was a fluke and you are willing to try again. The next time you go to turn it on, you get a shock again, this time you are a bit shaken up as you never expected history to repeat itself. You check to make sure that there isn't anything wrong with the switch but you fail to find any defects. Time passes and you go to turn the same switch on, yet again, you get a shock. You have now developed an intense fear of this switch which is automatically triggered every time you think about the switch and each of the shocks you received. For the fourth attempt, you pull out the big guns. You take every precaution to ensure that you don't get a shock, however, it happens again.

I then asked him if after all of that, if he would want to go turn the switch on again? Exactly!

On a completely different note, the "pee fairy" did end up paying me a visit, but it wasn't as expected. All of the fluid was making it difficult to breath so I ended up taking Prednisone early this morning (yes, I am my own pharmacist.) To my complete enjoyment, I ended up with some relief. It was similar to the feeling when you unbutton your pants after stuffing yourself to the point where you get chest pain. Yeah, it was that good! Unfortunately, it didn't last long. I ended up having no choice but to go to my Urologist. He decided to run some labs to check my kidneys and put me on Lasix to help get this fluid off. He also noted that I had some red blood cells and bacteria in my urine so he put me on an antibiotic as well. On a positive note, I left without a catheter this time, and really, what else could a girl ask for, right?

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